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My first thought was "I wonder what the baby felt."

I became pregnant after living with my boyfriend for 3 months. I did use birth control. I already had 2 kids and their father was gone, never paid support or saw them unless he wanted to. I did not know if my boyfriend and I would be able to handle a child; he was unstable with a job and we felt it better not to have the baby. I did not want another child to raise by myself.

We talked for many hours about the situation. I eventually became sort of numb about it. I could not admit the shame or guilt I was feeling for even thinking about it. I knew immediately I was pregnant and waited until I was 3 weeks to verify with a home test. I had to have it (the abortion) done before I could feel the baby or before it was too developed. I thought it would help me feel like I wasn't killing something. The clinic made me wait until I was at least six weeks before they could do anything. These were the hardest weeks of my life. My boyfriend took me down and there were people out front picketing. They tried to stop me, but I knew if I stopped I would change my mind, so I yelled "Are you going to pay me child support to raise this baby?" They said they would talk to me but I couldn't.

It was very difficult to make the decision. I couldn't tell my parents or friends. I did share it with my sister. I was very scared especially on that day. While I was at the clinic I couldn't think about anything. I was numb. When I went in the office my boyfriend couldn't be with me and I was all alone. The pain was incredible and I knew immediately that I had killed something that was very precious. I hurt very bad physically and mentally. I could not deal with my feelings at all while in recovery and I cried all the way home. We convinced ourselves the best we could that what we did was right. All I could think about for days was "Why did I hurt so bad?" The answer was "because they sucked that tiny baby out of you and killed it, that's why."

They did take all of us into a room and have us watch a movie. I can't tell you what it was about, I didn't really want to know what was going to happen. I was very alone and the staff seemed insensitive. When the Dr. inserted the machine and turned it on the pain was incredible. It felt like he took all of my insides out. My first thought was "I wonder what the baby felt." I was crying and hurting. They took me to recovery and told me to relax.

I had to lie to everyone why I missed work and why I was sick. I am very close to my family and I thought my parents knew. This scared me because I would have to admit what I did. My sister tried her best to help me feel better, but she was very saddened and hurt. My boyfriend and I fought badly for at least a month after. We seldom talked about it. I got to the point where I never wanted to have children again. I became distant from my boyfriend and my kids. My boyfriend and I did eventually learn to talk about it, but through my tears from both of us I had a lot of self hatred.

First, I learned to talk about it to my boyfriend. I also learned how to tuck it very far back in my mind. I later found Christ as my Savior and asked for forgiveness. I still ask for forgiveness three years after finding Christ, but I still feel guilty. Before asking for forgiveness I could not mourn for this death because I felt so bad that I had committed a sin. When Christ made me a new person he cleansed me from this sin. I cried for a very long time and allowed his love to be a part of my life. I prayed for the spirit of this unborn child, I prayed that it forgive me and [to] Jesus [for] it to dwell with Him. I will always work on forgiving myself and pray my boyfriend also find Christ and forgiveness (we are no longer together).

I learned that I never want to feel that way again and pray that no one ever go through it. I learned that no matter what the circumstances are if you ask God to be a part of your life and help you bring up a child who you think you can't afford or handle, He will help you through all the way. I can not have children anymore. I was 22 when I had the abortion and have had a lot of physical problems in the last three years (now 26), which resulted in a hysterectomy. I hurt badly to know that my last chance to have a child was wasted. I know I would be raising the child by myself (and God) but I would have at least had that child. I have had to go through extensive counseling to handle not being able to have children. I wanted to meet the person God chose for me, get married and plan a baby to share with my kids. Now I can plan to adopt when the time is right, but without God I do not think I could bare what has happened to me. I can only pray for His will to be in my life now.

I will always wonder if it was a boy or girl, what it would have looked like and every Nov. I am reminded of what I did, for this is the month I would have had my baby. My children and family still do not know about this and I plan to never tell them for I am a new person in Christ.

I became pregnant after living with my boyfriend for 3 months. I did use birth control. I already had 2 kids and their father was gone, never paid support or saw them unless he wanted to. I did not know if my boyfriend and I would be able to handle a child; he was unstable with a job and we felt it better not to have the baby. I did not want another child to raise by myself.

We talked for many hours about the situation. I eventually became sort of numb about it. I could not admit the shame or guilt I was feeling for even thinking about it. I knew immediately I was pregnant and waited until I was 3 weeks to verify with a home test. I had to have it (the abortion) done before I could feel the baby or before it was too developed. I thought it would help me feel like I wasn't killing something. The clinic made me wait until I was at least six weeks before they could do anything. These were the hardest weeks of my life. My boyfriend took me down and there were people out front picketing. They tried to stop me, but I knew if I stopped I would change my mind, so I yelled "Are you going to pay me child support to raise this baby?" They said they would talk to me but I couldn't.

It was very difficult to make the decision. I couldn't tell my parents or friends. I did share it with my sister. I was very scared especially on that day. While I was at the clinic I couldn't think about anything. I was numb. When I went in the office my boyfriend couldn't be with me and I was all alone. The pain was incredible and I knew immediately that I had killed something that was very precious. I hurt very bad physically and mentally. I could not deal with my feelings at all while in recovery and I cried all the way home. We convinced ourselves the best we could that what we did was right. All I could think about for days was "Why did I hurt so bad?" The answer was "because they sucked that tiny baby out of you and killed it, that's why."

They did take all of us into a room and have us watch a movie. I can't tell you what it was about, I didn't really want to know what was going to happen. I was very alone and the staff seemed insensitive. When the Dr. inserted the machine and turned it on the pain was incredible. It felt like he took all of my insides out. My first thought was "I wonder what the baby felt." I was crying and hurting. They took me to recovery and told me to relax.

I had to lie to everyone why I missed work and why I was sick. I am very close to my family and I thought my parents knew. This scared me because I would have to admit what I did. My sister tried her best to help me feel better, but she was very saddened and hurt. My boyfriend and I fought badly for at least a month after. We seldom talked about it. I got to the point where I never wanted to have children again. I became distant from my boyfriend and my kids. My boyfriend and I did eventually learn to talk about it, but through my tears from both of us I had a lot of self hatred.

First, I learned to talk about it to my boyfriend. I also learned how to tuck it very far back in my mind. I later found Christ as my Savior and asked for forgiveness. I still ask for forgiveness three years after finding Christ, but I still feel guilty. Before asking for forgiveness I could not mourn for this death because I felt so bad that I had committed a sin. When Christ made me a new person he cleansed me from this sin. I cried for a very long time and allowed his love to be a part of my life. I prayed for the spirit of this unborn child, I prayed that it forgive me and [to] Jesus [for] it to dwell with Him. I will always work on forgiving myself and pray my boyfriend also find Christ and forgiveness (we are no longer together).

I learned that I never want to feel that way again and pray that no one ever go through it. I learned that no matter what the circumstances are if you ask God to be a part of your life and help you bring up a child who you think you can't afford or handle, He will help you through all the way. I can not have children anymore. I was 22 when I had the abortion and have had a lot of physical problems in the last three years (now 26), which resulted in a hysterectomy. I hurt badly to know that my last chance to have a child was wasted. I know I would be raising the child by myself (and God) but I would have at least had that child. I have had to go through extensive counseling to handle not being able to have children. I wanted to meet the person God chose for me, get married and plan a baby to share with my kids. Now I can plan to adopt when the time is right, but without God I do not think I could bare what has happened to me. I can only pray for His will to be in my life now.

I will always wonder if it was a boy or girl, what it would have looked like and every Nov. I am reminded of what I did, for this is the month I would have had my baby. My children and family still do not know about this and I plan to never tell them for I am a new person in Christ.

Priests for Life
PO Box 141172 • Staten Island, NY 10314
Tel. 888-735-3448, (718) 980-4400 • Fax 718-980-6515
mail@priestsforlife.org