My family Doctor had referred me to a Psychiatrist in 1963, and when I became
pregnant in 1965, they said I couldn't have the baby because of the stress
involved and reminded me of the 4 kids I already had. I don't remember ANY of
that abortion. In 1967, another pregnancy and Drs. said the same thing, except
for the Psychiatrist who said I could make it. The other one, and my family Dr.,
and Pastor, urged me to abort, but I fought them off until the 12th
week. Finally I had [an] abortion.
I felt cheated and violated and angry and after recovery (I had a tubal
ligation after that one), I went to my 2nd mental hospital, where
after 30 days my husband was told I'd probably never come home again. I was out
in 6 months.
I made up my mind to forgive myself and others, and over time I've learned to
live with the fact that I took 2 human lives, but not a day has gone by that I
haven't thought about those 2 babies and wondered about them. I also dream about
babies A LOT - and have since I had my abortions.
My Dr. told me those pregnancies consisted only of "blobs - not real babies."
Just a few years prior to that he told me my Father was dead because he had no
brain waves - (no electrical activity showed up on the EEG after his stoke) -
Those babies I aborted had brain waves according to the medical articles I've
read, yet he said they weren't alive. It just doesn't make sense.
I've often resented the lack of information given to me by my Doctor. It
wasn't anywhere near adequate. Had I gotten it I'd have never agreed to those
abortions.
They showed me how dependant on other people's opinions I was, and I realized
how much of a people pleaser I've always been, and how I had put Doctors on a
pedestal and thought of them as "Gods." I'm a more aware person now and more
assertive and "challenging" where Drs. are concerned.
