I felt like God would never want me…
I found out I was pregnant through a University Campus clinic. They sent me
to Planned Parenthood. P.P. made an appointment for counseling that day. It
consisted of explaining to a group of girls the removal of tissue using a
plastic uterus. My girlfriend brought me there. The father responded to my
pregnancy by offering to [pay] the money for the abortion.
I told them I knew it was killing and tissue does not grow into a baby. The
nurse said I could leave or have it. I never even saw the doctor. It was as
painful as contractions in childbirth (I have children now) and I got a pelvic
infection within a month after.
I isolated myself and start[ed] doing more drugs and alcohol. I wound up
quitting college and rebelled against my mother's advice. Some of my friends
felt like they needed to write me and show their losses (mothers, etc.); other
friends felt like they needed to make excuses as to why it was right. The girl
who brought me dropped out of school too.
I first said I would never do it again. I did have a child after that. That
was a crisis pregnancy too. But that did not help. Just last month I went then
to PACE bible study and Lord has set me Free! I no longer see myself as the
murderer, but as a mother who lost a child . . .
I never felt worthy after it for any happiness. I still did drugs. I was
always being treated for depression and ulcers. I was very scared of the issue
of death (anyone's death). I felt cold to my children and felt like God would
never want me.