I was in college when I had my abortion, a Sophomore (1982). I was dating a
boy, and we became sexually active. Talk of contraceptives never passed our
lips. When I became pregnant I was terrified. I was a Catholic and my parents
were very good pro-life Catholics. I was horrified that my fornication would be
discovered by my family, but also the boy who "loved" me said he would kill
himself if I didn't have an abortion. I felt as if there were no one to talk
with. It was the worst point in my short life (19). The few "friends" I talked
to didn't try to talk me out of the scheduled abortion. I was crazy not to turn
to my family because that abortion has changed my life forever. Well anyway, a
"friend" drove me to the clinic where I paid my own $250 cash.
The nice nurse ("Christian herself") led me into the room and I started
crying. (I'm crying now as I write this.) I said, "God will never forgive me."
She said, "God will forgive you, this is just what you must do right now." Or
something to the affect that "God would forgive me." I cried the whole
procedure, not from the physical pain (there was little) but from the emotional
pain, I was killing my child. I wasn't dumb, I knew it was a baby, I studied
biology, I had done pro-life speeches before. I turned my back on my own morals
and beliefs, all because of this boy and my (our) sin (premarital sex). What
happened to the boy? Before the abortion I broke up with him. I couldn't stand
being with him as he was the main force in the destruction of our baby.
Emotionally I was a wreck after the abortion. I began bingeing on food to
stop the pain, or punish myself. I would never be able to feel good about myself
because of my sin and I didn't deserve happiness, I told myself. I went to a
psychologist over the summer but they don't help. I went to confession and knew
God had forgiven me, but could I? My parents never found out (it is now 8 years
later). I think they knew something was wrong that summer, but they never asked,
or they did and I kept it in. Slowly I began to heal because I knew I did not
want other girls to go through the pain of abortion as I had. I got involved
with Birthright in my college town. I was so happy to save a baby's life one
time (thanks God) but I cried because I had destroyed my own baby's life.
I planned to join my college pro-life group (Jan. 1983). I did and became
friends with the leader, a wonderful Christian (Catholic) man who had fought
against abortion since high school. I had never wanted to date again and told
this boy that when he became interested in me. I shared my life with him (even
pre-marital sex) up to the abortion. Finally he wrote me a note asking me if I
had ever had an abortion. As I read that letter he could tell by the look on my
face that I had. Well, to make a long story short, after a lot of pain we stayed
together. We will have our 6th anniversary in June and we have 3
wonderful children (3 1/2, 2 and 6 1/2 months). The abortion has affected our
marital life. He has forgiven me and loves me deeply, but he feels a great hurt
inside. I think of my child almost daily. There is always a pain inside my
heart. It is less pain than 5 years ago, three years ago or even last year, but
it won't go away. I continually say, "What if." I'm sorry Karen, there are no
more "What ifs."
God helped me get through much of the pain. I know he has forgiven me but can
I ever forgive myself knowing what I did was so wrong? Six months after the
abortion I got involved with Birthright and since then I have done various
pro-life activities…picketing, counseling, letter writing. It helps to know that
I've helped other girls in crisis situations. It helps to know that I'm trying
to do something to stop abortion. I'm convicted of helping the unborn and other
defenseless humans. With God's help abortion will stop and we women will
continue to mend.
Abortion's nasty sting will always be in my heart. My friends don't know.
Family doesn't know and I will never tell my children. In ways, I feel so
deceitful. I have to keep this horrible action inside while other people tell me
"You have a place in heaven" for some of my other Christian actions. Premarital
sex has negatively influenced my sexual life with my husband. Finally, after 6
years I truly enjoy sex. I won't be content just letting abortion go on, I will
fight daily to help stop this murder.
Sorry this is so long. You may use my story, but please don't use my name.
I'm not ready to tell family yet. God be with you as you work for this project.
Oh, I also wanted to say that I pray often for the conversion of my old
boyfriend that he will seek peace with God. I have no idea what he's doing, but
I pray for him. Men need healing too.