2 abortions – one in 1977 (I was 29) and one in 1978 (at age 30)

My husband and I lived together 21/2 years before we were married. I became pregnant twice and both times had an abortion. He didn’t want a second family – I was afraid of losing him and afraid of being on my own with a child and I was selfish. Although deep inside, I wanted my babies. As soon as I realized I was pregnant, I stopped drinking and took extra care of myself, hoping there may be some way...I had the abortion anyway.

One was at a women’s clinic, one was at a hospital. Both were suction abortions. At the clinic, they first asked me if I had my check. I had hoped for counseling from someone there but they only explained the procedure – never once asked any of the women if we were sure of our decision or referred to the life we were carrying as a baby. I felt sort of "swept" through the whole thing very quickly until suddenly I was on the table.

I felt very quickly and knew I would go to hell for what I’d done. I had a lot of resentment and blame toward my husband and I felt "he didn’t love me enough". We didn’t tell anyone else. He felt guilty too, but always held it in pretty much.

The main thing is I got saved in December 1986 and knew God forgave me so the guilt is gone. I was able finally to accept my own responsibility in the decision and not blame my husband, and so I could forgive him, he was saved in December 1987. I endured nine years of guilt and bitterness until that time. I don’t think any woman can deal with this apart from Christ.

I have no children (I’m 42 now) and never will. I know I made the wrong decision to give up my babies, but with God’s help, I can live with that now. I’m angry about how the pro-death people deceive women who are hurting and vulnerable and need the truth that there are alternatives. I participated in an Operation Rescue a year ago.