This is a letter of what I would say to "angel" if I saw her in heaven "face
Face to Face
I’m writing because Rachel saw you in her dream and has talked about you
Described your beautiful eyes and beautiful hair and your height you got from
your father. I realize some day I’ll see you again in heaven. But it won’t be
the same my sweet child. Because since I have been forced to deal with the
abortion it just is so much more painful knowing I’ll never get to cuddle you in
my arms as mothers do and rock you and hold you and rock you to sleep. Look at
your sweet little body as I hold you in my arms, knowing you are mine.
I’ve missed so much with you baby of mine that I can never replace even in
heaven I can’t replace those so many precious moments a mother has with her
baby. There are times lately I can almost remember vividly your movements in my
belly that day you moved so, so strong and your father was on the bed next to
me. The man I loved so and I was having his baby and wanted him to share this
very special moment with me as I felt our precious child move real strong on
that Day. Well to ruin that special moment in time he reached over to me and hit
me hard with his fist. I’ve never forgotten it was as though it was yesterday. I
remember crying so hard, not believing he’d hit me, for what? Asking our baby to
move. Had I deserved to be hit for that?
I’m so sorry I was so scared of him I was afraid he’d really kill me. I was
so afraid of him. I was so desperate back then. I spent a whole month looking
for a frantic way to keep you. I searched high and low, called all over. It
seems I made thousands of calls. No-one to help me but a Catholic charity, but
no place to help me after I had my baby. My parents said they couldn't afford to
help me either. I got so desperate I even prayed and asked God what I should do.
I felt such a strong voice tell me no- not to do it. Not to abort you.
At the time I hadn’t met Jesus and gotten saved yet, I had just prayed to
God for help and he had given me my answer, but not really knowing God back then
and every door for help seem closed in my face. Everywhere I turned their was no
one to help. I was all alone trying to support myself.
I remember also where I worked. They also said if I didn’t have the abortion
I would be fired so I had that to deal with. So much pressure coming on so
strong all at once I finally gave into my boyfriend's threats and he forced me
to the abortion clinic and made me abort you. Then when I told the abortion
doctor and nurses my boyfriend threatened to kill me if I didn’t have the baby
aborted and I wanted my baby. I even upset the doctor a lot. Because I called
him a murderer to his face, they took me in the other room and counseled me, I
had really upset the nurses and doctor by calling all them murderers.
They still continued the abortion knowing I didn’t want it at all. They got
their money so why would they care about me and my precious baby? They told me
the baby was not a baby and just a fetus and I wasn’t doing anything wrong and
it would feel like a vacuum cleaner suctioning out the baby and would only hurt
a little. It hurt a lot because the painful memories of that day are still very
painful as I had my baby I loved and wanted sucked down a long tube. I saw blood
a lot come down this long tube over & over& over—more & more blood. I didn’t
know that was my baby, but now I know it was. Now I know so much that they do
with the babies afterwards and that’s so painful, angel. Not knowing how they
used your precious body parts for collagen or who knows what.
I love you so much angel and I wish I could have you back and never had let
you go, not ever. Your father had said after the abortion when I was so sad he
said " If you had kept our baby, I would have come to see our child." You know
what a cruel thing to say after he made sure you were dead. He felt guilty I
guess for all the pain and grief He saw on my face. He and I will never know how
different our lives would have been had you have stayed. I should have found a
If I had known Jesus then I would have known God would have made a way for
me to keep my child. Even being in heaven with you won’t replace what we’ve lost
on earth. God’s plan for our life your growing up, holding you, rocking you,
combing your pretty hair. Taking you to school. I could go on and on. But so
many thousand of memories were lost by my #1 mistake.
My number one hope is that I see you in heaven and ask you to forgive mommy.
I’m so very sorry I didn’t know he was warning me then. I would have known he
was warning me of the pain I’d endure inside if I didn’t obey him and not give
in to the abortion. But since I didn’t know then what I do now I have suffered
such a very hard lesson of knowing when God says "he" didn’t do it. I should
listen to him. I wish I would have went with what was god then, and listened and
not done it. Look what I’ve missed out on now because I didn’t listen back then.
I only hear how you looked to my daughter, Rachel how very beautiful you are.
Sometimes I can almost feel you in my arms but when I check again you are not
Gosh I’ve missed so much about you. Your smile, your laughter, your talent
that God gives each of us. I wonder what you would have been? What were you
like? We can talk in heaven one day and can least have all of eternity to make
up for all we have lost down here. I pray you and Gods total forgiveness for
messing with his creation. He alone can create a person and man has no right to
play God and one day I with great delight I will see God’s judgment on man for
all the murders here on earth.
But until that time comes may God let the children have a voice on earth and
I know now it's through the women who've had abortions and have suffered the
same hurt and pain and guilt I’ve felt for years and as a voice so very strong
may we be a lion. We women are the voice of the children 40 million strong. Let
it be so in Jesus name. Do it. Amen. Amen in Yeshua's name, amen.