A lot of scared faces
I grew up in a home where my father was either out of town or working and my mother saw everything through rose colored glasses. I blame nothing on my parents. While I was growing up I believe they did everything they knew how to be good parents. I just didn't see that. I was never beaten or molested.
At the age of 13 I experimented with speed, pot and tried acid once. I also engaged in sex. At 19 I was married. Nine months later I was divorced. Why the divorce? I don't really know. I can say, though, it was a violent marriage on both parts. Then I joined the military to get away. This was in 1980. By 1981 I was married again and after six weeks of marriage I found out I was pregnant. However, I was at least 2 1/2 to 3 months pregnant and I was not sure if the man I had married was the father or not. I was confused and scared. I asked my mother to come to California. She arrived and the next day I said good-bye to husband #2. I told my mother I was pregnant and that I wanted an abortion. (I had been introduced to abortion when I took a friend to have one shortly after I had joined the military.) My mother took me to a clinic in California and I had a suction abortion performed. I started to drink and use drugs as a tool of escape, mostly pot and cocaine. A few months later I moved in with another man and 6 to 8 months later this man took me to get my second abortion.
How would I describe my abortions? This is a great question! However I really don't have much of an answer. My mind has blocked them out to such an extent that the only way I can even remember the years is because of my whereabouts in the military. These are the only things I truly remember: Orange tables, a lot of scared faces, pain when the suction machine was turned on, and determination which I believe came from "fear of getting caught with my pants down." Maybe this isn't the best expression but it is the truth.
After my first abortion I stated to drink heavily and abuse drugs. After my second abortion I became even more promiscuous. I guess it depends on your definition of addiction whether or not I was addicted to sex, drugs and alcohol. I abused all three trying to drown out the pain. I became "hard" mentally. In the course of the next 5 years I would be married and divorced twice more.
During this time I did not give up other men, drugs or alcohol. (I also wondered why I could not stay in a relationship.) I always felt like something was missing. I wondered why I felt nothing about all the rotten things I was doing. I never connected my abortions with my life-style. Actually I felt in all those years that the abortions were the only smart decisions I had made. Yet somehow I kept a clean military record.
My mother buried her feelings. Even to this day it's hard to know how she feels. I know from the few times she has opened up that she blames herself for the murder of her grandchild. I know she has a lot of pain and shame.
My boyfriend at the time cried. I also found out that sometime later he called my mother and told her I had murdered our child.
Plus the two men I married and divorced after my 2nd abortion - they were good men! I know I left them in confus[ion] and torn states. My whole life after that was one big lie!
In the fall of 1988 a man introduced me to Jesus Christ. This was the point when I realized the full impact of what I had done. Shortly after this, Jesus directed me to a PATH group. By using their workbook I realized that I had turned my back on one of God's most precious gifts, that of a mother's love for her child. I had been bent on self-destruction and I was going [to] take anyone else down with me! Then Jesus began to deal with all the parts of me that I had destroyed. I mourned and as I mourned the "murder" of my children Jesus began to cleanse me. Then he told me he (Jesus) had already paid for my sin in heaven, but I would also reap what I had sown here on earth. That's when the mourning for my children began in earnest. As the pain came out Jesus filled it with Love. Then came the step of giving the children back to God. That was a tough one. It was like I had just met them, then I had to loose them again. But God showed me it was a must if I was going to heal. Now Bethany Lynn and Jason Anthony are safe in heaven with Jesus, (where they went the day they died - "When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up." Psalm 27-10) And Yes, Jesus works!!!!
My heart is still hard but Jesus is making it softer everyday. I still have a fear of having children. Only through the Lord have I been able to get closer to people and tell the truth about my life. I used to have a lot of shame! Now I have a lot of love for all those women who are lost.
I believe the main ingredient to healing and really the only way to have a whole life is with Jesus Christ.
I'm married to the man who led me to the Lord and just recently we both got out of the military. Now we are seeking the Lord for his will on our lives!
Thou art my hiding place: thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. Psalm 32:7
God bless you!