I have had three abortions. Each one was traumatic. The first one - 1969, the second in 1978, and the third in 1987. I seriously regret each and every one with every fiber of my being. Why?
Well, I am grateful that you were led to this web-site because I want to explain the best I know how, why I regret 3 abortions.
Each abortion contributed to ill-emotional-mental health and eventually 17 years of ill-physical health. The abortion experiences also affected my marriage relationships. I've had three divorces.
Here is my story: I was sexually active with my boyfriend in 1969. When I got pregnant, I remembered what a girl told me - "hey - if your get pregnant, just get an abortion." It was the thing to do in Northern California at the time. In 1963, I fell smack-dab into the subculture of the sexual revolution. There was a "do it if it feels good" attitude in society, and of course abortion was legal. There was "anti-establishment" as it were; anti-authority attitude lingering in the dark holes of our war-weary society. God was no longer allowed in our schools when I was 13 years old (1963). The message of "free-love," "love child," "party hardy," "flower children," did not help me at all. All of the above mentioned was a dead-end story. It was the "me generation."
I was addicted to being in love, and I was hungry for a man's attention. It wasn't drugs or alcohol, just the true love of a man that I focused my life on.
After my abortion, I married the man who got me pregnant and we divorces six years later. By this time, I asked what really is the thing called LOVE? I was very insecure, and my self-worth was near zero, and I was so ripe for Planned Parenthood
They convinced me my baby was a "blob of tissue" and that the procedure was called D&C. This stood for "dusting and cleaning." So simple - nothing to it. The experience was a horrible 2-day stay at a County hospital, and I still have flash-backs whenever I'm in a bathroom, a doctor's office or an elevator, with a florescent light overhead.
The second abortion experience was not better. I was so scared and so sick. It was over in fifteen minutes. My boyfriend who had wanted to marry me and have a baby took me home and I never saw him again. Fear and anger was becoming a permanent fixture in my psyche. This time the professional staff at Planned Parenthood who supposedly had my best interest at heart, told me that when I see the psychologist at the hospital to act mentally incompetent to withstand the pregnancy. I was to cry a lot and then they would probably give me an abortion. At this time I still believed my baby was a "blob of tissue." Remember, this was all about ME - and this "problem" in my womb. At this point there was no turning back; I wanted the problem gone. The man I loved was gone. Of course, I was crushed. I found out later he was a man that with women "you love 'em and leave 'em."
The third abortion was unbelievably hard on my psyche. I was a Christian by now, but was still so driven to find the man who would take care of me (and my three boys). I went on a date, watching TV at his house. We watched "Never-Ending Story." (how ironic!) His little girl and my little boy fell asleep on the floor. I laid down on this man's couch, very tired. (I had gotten fibromyalgia and relentless fatigue at this time) To make a long story short, my psychologist told me it was date rape.
OK! Now I was pregnant - now what? This man did not claim responsibility at first, but in a subsequent conversation he agreed to pay for one-half the abortion. The Women's Health Clinic (the sign should have read "unhealthy clinic") was right across the road from my apartment. How convenient! I am so glad to report to you that now this clinic is no longer there!
The abortionist gave me a shot of something and sent me home. I felt my baby die all night long! Cramping and more cramping, then violent cramping for 8 hours straight. When I went back the next day I was sedated then had a D&C. My baby was dead.
After 17 years of suffering from anxiety, low self esteem, physical pain and suffering, a myriad of symptoms including panic attacks, short term memory loss, brain fog, debilitating fatigue, shattered dreams, suicidal depression and prisoner-like loneliness. I am now even still mending.
To illustrate God's grace: I found out that, from the time I walked into the Pregnancy Crisis Center for financial direction in 1987, until I came back to the same Center in 1994, for post-abortion counsel - was exactly seven years to the day. Those were the sometimes suicidal depression days. I could not for the life of me figure out what I was depressed about until I went through the P.A.C.E. program. Then I finally understood why.
Seven years later, I became even more free when the prophecy I received from my pastor came true. I had been in a cocoon-like state, always fearing people; even in church. As the prophesy message said - no one person brought me out of it; it just happened. Two days before the prophecy, I had an urging to by this beautiful silver butterfly pin that sparkled and fluttered!
I thank our dear Lord for the "Silent No More" Campaign and Rachel's Vineyard. I am very impressed and excited for what I've seen and continue to see on Father Pavone's show on EWTN. I know that my Jonathan, Amy, and Chelsea are with Jesus. They will never suffer again.
I cried out as David did in the 51st Psalm, "have mercy on me God in your goodness, in your abundant compassion blot out my offense. Wash away all my guilt; from my sin cleanse me. 12- A clean heart create for me God; renew in me a steadfast spirit. Restore my joy in your salvation; sustain in me a willing heart. 19- My sacrifice, God, is a broken spirit."
God bless al my sisters and their men who have gone through the abortion experience and may they find God's mercy and peace. May legalized abortion become just a faded dark memory in the PAST.