I didn’t always believe that abortion was a wrong choice: if I had, I NEVER would have had three!
When you find yourself pregnant, still in high school, not married, no commitments, you can find a lot of reasons to have an abortion. You can convince yourself that you are doing the right thing for yourself. You’re not ready, he’s not ready, you’re too young, it isn’t really a baby yet, God will understand and forgive you, or you’ll forget about it with time. You can say adoption is harder, meaner, too tough on you, too hard for kids later, or too hard to give a child away after nine months. You CAN convince yourself of these things. You can say what people will think, why ruin my body, or why embarrass my family and friends? I know these convincing things, because I used them when I had my abortions.
Time does pass. You change, you get engaged and married, and you may even have kids. The man that you marry may be that boy from long ago or not. One thing that doesn’t change is that you NEVER forget! When you go to get married, all of sudden you are faced with the Sacrament of Reconciliation and all the prep work involved. I had avoided this sacrament and God up until now. How can God forgive me for taking a life, not just one but THREE? The 5th Commandment, “Thou Shall Not Kill.” After seven years, these are the only sins I can think about.
More time passes, life is good, I hardly think of my abortions. Then at age twenty-six, I find out I am pregnant again. I’m happy, and then that first ultrasound. I see my little baby on the screen and instead of happiness, the guilt engulfs me. I start to cry and the person doing the ultrasound thinks they are tears of joy, and so does my fiancé. I didn’t want to disappoint him so I pulled myself together. That was a very lonely, empty feeling.
I had two previous abortions at age seventeen. I tried to forget about those, until this last one seven years ago. This last abortion was the ultimate despair. I was NUMB! Lies & deception became my pattern, telling my fiancé and my family that I had sadly miscarried. He’ll never have to know the truth; a truth that would haunt me for years. After baby Kayla’s death from abortion, my fiancé and I broke off our engagement. So much grief surrounded me. I gave into temptation at all costs and pushed away people that were the closets to me.
I had so much despair and sorrow during that time. In 2009, I reached out to Rachel’s Vineyard; A healing ministry for post abortive men and women. After the retreat, I found self worth and forgiveness that I had longed for. I can only Thank God for His unwavering Love and guiding me in His direction. I realize my wrong and that abortion results in death. The decision to write this letter is to acknowledge my unborn children. I pray that when we meet, that I will be welcomed with open arms. I pray that we choose LOVE, love of self, love of children, love of Life and love of God. My name is Tanya, and I am Silent No More.
