I had just turned eighteen and had an abortion because my mom always told me that if I came home pregnant she would beat me up and kick me out. She was an alcoholic and had been for ten years. She did abuse us during that time so I knew she would do what she claimed. My "boyfriend" begged me not to have the baby because he wasn't ready. I felt so alone and knew I could not take care of a child. I didn't want to provide a miserable existence for a child. I was unaware of all the support I could have received.
I went into the clinic and a lot of information was thrown at me, but I was not given an ultrasound to confirm gestational age. I was not asked if I had second thoughts. I was not told my baby would be vacuumed out. I was not even told my baby was a baby at that point. I thought I was three months pregnant. I had informed them of that. I really feel I would have changed my mind had I had an ultrasound. I am pregnant now and when I was three months along I had an ultrasound and I cried so hard for two reasons.
1) God had decided to bless a wretch like me with a second chance at motherhood. 2) I realized that I had killed a baby, a baby that had arms, legs, and a heartbeat.
As I watched my baby move and twirl I just thought about what a horrible person I was to have had an abortion in the past. During the abortion I just remember thinking, "What am I doing? I am against abortion. I want my baby. I want to change my mind." I started crying because I heard the machine, which sounded like a vacuum, and I knew it was too late. Immediately following the abortion, I felt really badly. I cried a lot. I was eighteen when I had the abortion. I am crying fourteen years later as I type this. I wish I hadn't done it. I wish I was given options. At least the nurse held my hand. I think she could tell I had changed my mind too late. I have never forgiven myself but one thing I am proud of is that on that day, I made a covenant that I would never get another abortion. And I haven't.
