I had an abortion because my husband was very abusive to me and our children. When our child was ten months old I became pregnant again. He told me if I did not have an abortion he would kill the baby with his bare hands when it was born, then proceeded to show me how with our ten month old son.
At the clinic I was numb. A lady asked me a couple times if I was sure I wanted to go through with this. I said yes, adamantly. I never saw the doctor and I do not really remember anything else. I think I blocked most of it out. I said it was the girl I never had. I named her Emily and celebrated her birthday, which I figured would be around October first. After my youngest son died in Iraq I broke down and went through healing for the past abuses in my life, abortion being one of them. I spoke with my priest about how I felt guiltier staying married to that man for another four years and subjecting my two sons to more of his abuse than actually having the abortion. I wondered what kind of sinner that makes me? He worked with me through the issues and told me about this campaign.
It was hard to forgive myself until I read an article in a magazine. The very first article was Forgiving Ourselves! It is a very good article but the words in it that really jumped out at me are this:
“To put it bluntly, the problem is self centeredness. If all I see is my sin, my feelings, my guilt, my unworthiness, and my regret, then I am all wrapped up in myself. Christ wants to display His life in His followers, but anyone with an unforgiving spirit extinguishes His light. Although we all know it is wrong to hold on to a grudge against someone else, we often tolerate unforgiveness toward ourselves. But it is still sin. Those who insist on carrying their guilt are not walking in the Spirit, and the result will be a powerless Christian life. God please help me to be less self-centered and more God centered!”
This was ten months ago. I am still going through therapy. I was molested as a little girl, abused by my first boyfriend, had a child when I was sixteen, was abused by my first husband, and my life has been very difficult. Then my son died in 2009 and it opened the door to all these past hurts. I became involved in the pro-life community at our church and it has been very healing for me. It’s good for me to help save lives, when I could not save the life of my own baby.
