My family moved a lot when I was growing up. We did not have money so I did not have the best clothes, but life was good.
When I was sixteen years old, the summer before my senior year, I met Brad. He was older than I was, already out of school, and working. I had never done anything more than kiss a boy, but suddenly a man was interested in me and I wanted to be everything to him. The first time we had sex, I was a virgin. I really did not know why I let him, but afterward he said, “Are you okay?” Then he took me home. I turned seventeen in July and I felt I was in love.
I had a dream, maybe a premonition, that I was pregnant. Brad bought a home test and I went over Saturday morning to his apartment and took the test before going to work. At the time, the results took twenty minutes to read. He showed up at my work with a red rose telling me the test was positive. He waited until I took my break and he told me he had already been calling clinics in Texas. I asked for what and he said because I had to have an abortion. I said no, that I couldn't. He responded that he would disappear and I would never see him again. Then he said he would make the appointment for Friday and I could skip school. I went from being a nice girl on the honor society to being this horrible baby killer.
I remember hating him and hating myself. I did not tell anyone because I was so ashamed. Brad and I married after my graduation but it only lasted a few months. I had this hatred in my heart, and I wanted to make him hurt as badly as I was hurting. I married him because I wondered who else would want me. I was no longer a virgin and I had killed my child. I couldn't stop thinking about hell and I felt I had nothing. I slept around, I took stupid risks, and I began drinking and partying. I would get into this deep darkness as I held on to my terrible secret.
I became pregnant again in 1989. Katherine was eight weeks premature and died moments after birth. I felt in my heart that God took her because I had aborted my first child, a life he gave me. I spiraled into a deep depression. I went to a doctor as I could not refrain from crying. I was put on Zoloft late 1989 and have been on anti-depressants ever since.
The decision about my second abortion was mine. When I told the father I was pregnant he said he couldn't handle it. I decided immediately to have an abortion. I know it sounds strange for a person still dealing with the pain of my first abortion to have a second. I hated myself. I did not feel anyone would ever love me and with all of the darkness in my heart I did not care about anything or anyone. I often buried myself in work and spent time partying. I went from meaningless relationships. Nothing could stop the pain, the thoughts, or the emptiness. I got career focused and began having success with my profession.
When I became pregnant with my son in 1997, I did everything I could to ensure a healthy baby. My son was born in September of 1997. He saved my life! God gave me a beautiful son and I love him with all my heart. I still have bad days and I still deal with the painful dark thoughts of my past. I began looking for books about the pain of regret from an abortion, and discovered there are few to none. I'm glad I kept searching because I found this website. There are others like me. It is comforting to not be alone with my pain. I pray for forgiveness. I hope someday abortion is no longer an option, especially for young women who are not of a consenting age. I will never get back what I wasted of my life, but I can let other people know this is not just a twenty minute procedure, but a lifetime of regret. I am better today, but it still haunts me. To think what might have been.
