I had an abortion because my boyfriend asked me to. He said he could not have a new baby (he has two). He said that he would not take away his time with his kids to have time with mine. I felt so lost. We had been together for 3 years. I waited to have the abortion because I wanted to have the baby. I know how it feels to be a mom and it is wonderful. But he started being sometimes mean and manipulative, taking my life experiences and his and turning them against me and our future. I felt so lonely, so ashamed. What was supposed to be loved and wanted—a baby—felt so wrong for his future.
He sold a gold chain to pay for the abortion procedure and took me there. The first time I did not go in and went home (it felt so right). He called and said that if I had the baby he will have to be around. He asked, how could he love the baby? He made me feel as if I were going to be in danger and so would my kid. I took a long walk, cried, and asked myself: Will I ever be safe again? What if my baby is abused because he does not want it? Will the law be on my side?
During the procedure I was disgusted by the place. It was cold and painful but the people were very nice. After the procedure I felt lost, but I had to be strong to pick up my kid at school. I took that day off to rest my body. I told the baby's dad, and his mood changed to a completely calm and centered one.
But I still left him. A man that loves you would never put his woman to something like this. As time goes by, I cry a lot. I love more, and I remember my baby. I feel weak and worthless because I was not strong enough for my baby. But I also ask myself: Did I save my baby? Or did he save me? I wish I could tell him more how much I cared.
Did I find help? No. Did I find forgiveness? Never.
