I had my abortions because I was fearful of what my parents would say on the first one. Now I look back and see that is where all my troubles began. All the other abortions just seemed to be on auto pilot, as if it was the only thing I could do—even though I wanted all the children and still do to this day. I thought I was not going to be a good parent and I also thought that I could not afford them at all. But I see now I could have!
During the abortion procedures I felt great pain, like someone ripping out my soul with those children’s souls. I cried the whole time and told myself I was never going to be forgiven in God’s eyes, never. I guessed all my dreams of being a mother now would never happen, since I was told I would never have children after the last one because the staff told me I was using abortions as a form of birth control.
Immediately after the abortion I felt some relief and yes, I did feel better. But as time went on I got more and more depressed, which turned to more and more drinking, not giving a crap about anything and just living the same way with the same man. We never talked about our feelings, which caused us to just forget everything about that abortion, until we got pregnant again and again!
As time went on, seeing baby clothes and attending baby showers for friends just started to kill me and eat away at me. I would see a video that would inspire me to search out forgiveness and counseling, but I always chickened out—until one day I found myself pregnant again. I told myself, “No, this child will stay!” So on March 8, 2008, my son came to me and helped with the pain. It’s as if he was sent from heaven with a little piece of all my children that I aborted.
I am still struggling with forgiveness every day. Maybe now that I have told my secret I will finally begin my healing process!
