My aortic valve was defective from birth. I had just given birth to my daughter Stephanie. I could not breathe but the heart doctor thought I would make it. I almost passed out every day and was so weak I could not care for my other two children. By now I knew the Lord well but my faith left me and fear haunted my every step. My past and not being able to overcome it because it was secret.
Everyone I spoke to said you have two children to care for and said it was alright if I chose my life over the unborn fetus. Oh this haunted me. I just wanted to die. What kind of mother puts her life before that of her unborn child...No one that I spoke with ever counseled me. It took me years to forgive myself. Now I realized I was not more important than my unborn child.
Oh how many nights I was in total depression and did not know why because I was not allowed to speak of it except when I told a friend or my guilty secret about a human life that was totally overlooked by everyone but God.
My husband hated me for doing this, so when he would drink he called me horrible names in front of our other children. But I knew I deserved that and more. One day God healed me of that brokenness and I promised him never to lose the sanctity of life again. I have spent my life looking for someone to help. It is like a fire shut up in my bones... In 2001 I had another open heart surgery and the medical report said they did not understand how I survived. My valve had deteriorated and no blood flow but a pin prick … but the third man was in the fire. No damage to my heart. My babies would have lived if my faith would have been that of today....This is my regret.
The Call with Lou Engle has helped me heal and forgive myself but there is a bigger call I need to fill the void. We need to change laws, help counsel those weak girls in turmoil and save the lives of those who cannot speak for themselves.
