I had an abortion because I was forced. I did not want to do it at all.
I'm living with my boyfriend and his father didn't give me the option of keeping it. It was that or adoption and I feel that it would have hurt me just as much to give my child away as to have had the abortion. The night before the abortion I stayed up all night crying and saying that I was a murderer.
I tried leaving but my boyfriend wouldn't let me.
During the abortion process I felt my anxiety kick in even worse.
I had to do the medical pill abortion due to me being allergic to anesthetics.
So as I was signing the papers I had my boyfriend’s dad basically breathing down my neck making sure that I didn't change my mind. But the whole time I didn’t even want it.
So they took me in the back and all I felt was death all over the place. I could even smell death. I sat in the chair waiting for my pill to stop my baby's heart, a nurse came in and told me that my mom was downstairs and was throwing a fit. Because she was supporting me all through it but my boyfriend’s dad threatened me saying since she smoked weed that he would file a lawsuit against me. So I couldn't live with my mom and raise my child.
I felt so trapped and isolated sitting there as she brought my pill. I felt so much guilt and I just kept praying to God that he would please forgive me for this. I took it and left out the back so my mom couldn't see me.
Immediately after the abortion I felt rage and depression.
As I laid there in bed I dreaded taking the pill the next day.
But as the day came my boyfriend kept waking me up making me check the time so I didn't miss when I had to take the pill. Eleven o'clock came and he watched me take my pill. Sixteen minutes later I felt the worst pain ever - I ran into the bathroom and had uncontrollable diarrhea and vomiting at the same time. About thirty minutes later I started bleeding so bad. I saw my baby in the toilet. I just started crying and screaming. I was just devastated. The next day I had to call my mom to rush me to the hospital -I was so pale and bleeding too much. At the hospital they said if I didn't stop bleeding so bad that I would have to have a blood transfusion. I luckily stopped bleeding as bad but the emotional toll it took upon me: I cried everyday, I have the worst nightmares and I couldn't sleep for five days after the abortion. I still have emotional things to deal with and I cry from time to time. But I pray to God and my baby Kailee everyday and that makes me feel so much better. I feel like I got both of their forgiveness but I have the regret and I'm recently trying to seek professional help. Kailee is my inspiration - I started drawing again and everything I do I do it for her. I just hope that this helps someone. I went into such detail because I wanted you to know everything and I wish everyone that has almost a baby that there is hope. I'm just still looking for it myself.
