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KILL ME I CRIED! Why can't I die!
Anonymous
 
     

I grew up in an average home, with an average family. We went to church every Sunday. I lived in a good neighborhood. So all was good right? High school years I made due. I was in a lot of different clubs so I knew a lot of people. I was dating this perfect guy that I thought was going to be my forever. We were stupid and in love and we engaged in sexual relations not putting any thought of the consequences it could lead too.

That's where my story begins... It seems so far gone and in a different time since that tragic day, yet memories come up over and over again. I killed my first child, a harsh truth to admit. The most horrible crime on this earth, I can never forget. Sometimes I would lie down and still feel the cold table against my back. At other times I can hear voices, and see faces, yet the worst nights are when the dead babies all gruesomely just tossed in the trash they come to me and haunt my dreams.
 
The state didn't come and no arrest was made. If there had been a judge I wouldn't of even been to blame. In the courts eyes I was not guilty. For killing is acceptable and perfectly legal in this world full of hate as long as we call it abort and not murder it makes everything ok. Still with all this known, the judge inside of my own heart would not let this rest.
 
Yes I had excuses, some valid pinpoints. I wasn't ready; my family said, "It was right;" the man I was with certainly didn't want a baby. Abort they all said as I was filled with false hopes of marriage and other things. Yet I tossed and I turned, I knew I was a big mess!
 
I murdered my baby and did anyone care? I wanted to scream, but could anyone hear? No sound came out, not even a peep. Just streams and streams upon my check. With tears on my face it was too late. Why didn't I run? It was too late now. No time clock was coming. No my child was gone, not coming back, just a pile of blood.
 
I'm guilty I cried, I deserve to be dead. Shame and regret danced in my head. The torment of sin I had to pay, no escape could I find. I started to drink and I drank until numb. I slept with strange men and took many pills. KILL ME I CRIED! Why can't I die!
 
I hid from the truth and locked up my heart from those little who did care. All alone I was. I then turned to Wicca, turned far from God. Married the first man that I thought cared and wow was that a wrong path.
 
We had only known each other for a month before making the decision to be married. I still remember that day after we had went to the courthouse to be married, I came home and my mom was in bed I showed her my photo ID with the last name changed on it and that's how my family found out I was married.
 
For the first few months all was fine but then everything had turned. Now beaten and bruised, I never fought back. It will get better I would say. Along the way we moved 12 times and two homeless shelters. I wont get into the details because we all don't need to be sitting here crying but I will say horrific things where done to me by that man that you only see in lifetime chiller movies and or horror flicks and I'm very lucky to be here today.
 
We couldn't survive, he was jealous at every job I had that he found some way to get me fired usually by harassment, phone calls, making huge scenes at my place of work, or by having me not show up for days because of the marks he had made on me. We never had money so he would sell me to his friends. That's right I had sex for money, I turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. I knew I had reached hell. Numerous amounts of times I tried to end my life.
 
We then moved to Wisconsin and that's where I then found a church and got highly involved. If I kept busy I thought maybe this would all go away. Maybe my husband will find God and turn his ways. I thought that in working with kids all would be forgiven and forgotten in the past years too. I can work and get to Heaven right? So I taught 1-2 grade Sunday school, helped out with children's church, was the assistant leader of VBS, and even started a children's choir.
 
I had turned my life around for the most point and have pushed memories of the past way behind me they would never come back. Yet all of these times at home the physical and emotional abuse continued. I had a strong bond with that church and I finally had enough after several police officers showing up but never doing anything I decided to go to my pastor and seek help.
 
I went to him and told him I was planning on leaving my husband. This is when I was crushed more emotionally than ever before. The pastor who I loved so much turned to me and said. No! Divorce is not acceptable. To make matters worse he relinquished all my duties in the church.
 
I was no longer a good example because I had no control in my house. Leaving his office with no hope. I didn't return. I was rejected and once again alone. It took me several years later when I was divorced and remarried to my current husband that I reentered that church, to explain how hurt I was at that time. Patches where healed, in fact on holidays I like to stop in to visit. Everything in life was going good.
 
When my husband and I found out we were having a baby we were overjoyed. During my pregnancy though I couldn't help but thinking you were not my first. Yet I pushed that away in the back of my head and moved on. Finally [my baby] was born .The happiest time ever was when I first held him. Looking in his eyes I thought now this is why I was put here. A few months later we were blessed with another surprise, [a second baby] was born. He couldn't of came at a better time too. My grandfather had just passed away a few months before so he brought so much comfort to us all at his birth.
 
Yet everything was going good, the devil has his ways of coming back into your life and he did. The kids had added extra expense on us and my husband and I were fighting all the time. Again I found myself at ends with getting divorced.
 
During this time of depression, the past I thought, that was buried came up like a big lighting bolt! I'm not worthy. God is showing me this! He is making me an example! I killed my first-born! This is his way of telling me I will not ever be happy.
 
He will not allow me to have a family. My two kids will be taken away, my husband is leaving I thought out loud "this is all my fault." This is the works of me killing my first-born. I am now being punished! I'm a murderer! What was I thinking? I cant be a good mother to these kids. I'm a killer! With noone to talk to, my husband always mad everyday I sunk lower and lower. Putting a smile on my face just to get by and do what I needed to.
 
In desperate need to save our marriage I went to the pastor who married us and he had sent us to counseling classes. With no family support we went each week battling our issues. Unfortunately all good things must come to an end and his work schedule just wasn't allowing us to go anymore. So ½ improved but so much more to go we asked God to give us a sign.
 
That same day a flyer came in the mail called Marriage (How to keep it going) it was a 6-week session... I thought why not. So I showed my husband it and we agreed to go. From that day on our marriage has been completely changed. Now happy with the marriage there was still unresolved healing needed for me. What were we to do? Killing myself sure wouldn't solve anything. Neglecting my kids was not the way to go. I've tried the counseling road. So now what? As me and my husband prayed together each night for God to revel our next step we patiently waited.
 
Now you know how I mentioned finances being hard earlier, well a few months before our marriage struggle we had found a great Christian organization called Care Net that we had started taking parenting classes through in order to earn baby bucks to purchase formula, diapers, and other baby needs that we needed. This group kept us on our feet at times. This is also where God placed an amazing woman at our feet. Her name was Kathy and she has worked with Care net for a few years running a program called PACE for post abortion women. Amazing? Yes! But as you should now know from my story God is always there when you just call on him. The hard factor is admitting that you need help.
 
So I enrolled in PACE. Now I was weary at first and wasn't sure how this would work. Kathy told me to pray and talk it over with my husband and come back with a commitment to a 12-week biblical class. Pray was that the answer? Really? No I said I couldn't do it. I have no ride. Kathy says I will take you and return you home. No I said I have no money to pay a sitter. Kathy says I will pay for the sitter. No I said it's hard. Kathy then smiled and says we will have people pray for you. With no more excuses left I agreed. What I didn't know is that this would change my life forever in s many ways I never thought of. Kathy offered me friendship and never turned away, she introduced me to other Christian women and was always there when I needed someone to talk to. Her strength was surprising. Her story was true. She told me about Jesus, I thought I already knew. I listened somewhat, but told her I would try. Id commit to coming each week and indeed I did.
 
Now one thing I want you to know is I was saved. I knew Jesus died for our sins and rose again. I knew about Noah and the Ark, about Moses parting the red sea. Yet I really didn't know the Bible. I didn't know how to find passages and I really wasn't interested. I thought it was boring. A very long book, and I knew the basics so did I really need to know more?
 
The first day of class with a Bible next to me, we went through verses upon verses that I have never seen. Kathy encouraged me to stay on track and do the lessons. A lot of homework I had. She told the class to learn the bible and seek Gods word. Whew this was a lot! I never knew my mind would be so worked. More and more days went by some classes where harder than others.
 
One night I went home, my heart heavy as can be. My mind physically exhausted, I looked up to the Heavens and cried. Father forgive me as I fell to my knees. Get up I heard a voice say to me. As I wiped my tears from my face, I was in disbelief.
 
That night I saw Jesus, face to face. He smiled at me and said I forgive you my child, come take my hand and walk with me. Come into my grace. I said I believe and yet I still held doubt. Blameless you are I said. Can you take and pay my debt? Don't touch me Lord! I am unclean! I stopped your design, I killed my own, and I killed your own. I then poured out my story, but he showed no surprise. I gazed up with awe at the love in his eyes. For here I stood a murder, filth and scum and he looked as if it was ok. What? I don't get it! I just could not forget. There has to be more to this I thought. My sin is too deep, forgiveness is not mine. I could not let go of the guilt I had inside. Then God said very kindly it is ok continue to grow and call Kathy today. That night I called Kathy, she came to my side. Later that week another step was behind.
 
Class continued, the homework got harder. Sometimes I wondered how I was going to continue. Then at class we had a project and some paper was pushed in front of me. Kathy told me to look deep in my heart and seek my sins to be forgiven and for each one write down. Next a box was placed in front of me. Se continued to talk. She told me for each sin I wrote down pray to the Lord and ask him to forgive you and once you have finished releases it from your heart and place it in the box. I prayed to the Heavens asking the Lord to cleanse and released each and every one of my sins into the box. Closed the lid and passed it to Kathy. Kathy then took the box with the sins placed inside and wrapped it in red to symbolize the blood of the Lord. With each sin repented and washed away clean with his blood for our sins. Now each sin is gone she said.
 
As we sat in a silent prayer the Lord came to me and said. I paid for your crime. Nailed to the cross there is no condemnation for I took the blame with my blood and your curse to the grave. Now you are free I took your shame. I cried dear Lord What justice is in this? I killed my first-born I repeated and you offer me bliss? Tears overflowed that I couldn't see as I thought to myself for the first time WHEWWWW I AM FREE! The past now is buried, no more pain, no more guilt. I'm free from the sorrow. All the guilt I carried alone for so many years is now gone. Christ told me to accept him; the gift he gives is free. For now all his truth and love was all over me. I then took his hand as I started a new day. I reconfirmed my faith with God that very same day. For God had entered that room and swallowed my heart, joy is surrounding and the dark was now light. Thank you dear Lord for setting me free. I made a wrong choice but you still forgave me.
 
God wants to forgive all of us. No matter how big or how small our sin. All sin is equal in his eyes. If you're holding onto anything I encourage you to confess it to the Lord and ask for his forgiveness. Ask God to break all the bonds and chains that hold you to that sin, and give you strength to resist it coming back into your heart and mind. Then give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love as he tells us to do in Psalm 107 For God is greater than our hearts ad he knows everything 1John 3:20 For the Lord is good and his love endures forever, his faithfulness continues through all generations. Psalm 100:5
 
As for my precious baby, my child lives in the Lords home and I can have joy in knowing that the Lord is taking care of my baby as his own. For we are all his children. One day he will call on me to come home and enter the gates of Heaven. Though I leave the world behind I will know everything will be ok. For when I die I know that the Lord will have me cradled in his arms as he tells us in the scripture. I also know that when that day comes I will see my baby and hold her as ive longed to hold her for so long. Until then I have joy knowing that all is as it should be and my heart is with the Lord and he has blessed me in so many ways with friends, family, a wonderful husband and two beautiful amazing boys. If you dont remeber my name that is fine, dont remeber everything I said that is fine. Please remeber 1 thing God covers all sin. No sin is to big for him.

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