This morning was an emotional one. As I sat at the window watching my girls splash in the pool, my thoughts soon turned to my sweetheart in Heaven. Rose never got the opportunity to splash in the pool. I never felt her resting on my chest. I never brushed her hair or wiped away a single one of her tears. Having recently come in touch with the now devastating decision I made to have an abortion 14 years ago, her presence was all around me. All I could do was pray for the Lord to bring me peace and ask Him to somehow relay to her how much I deeply love her.
To some this may seem heinous and cruel. To ask the Lord to relay my love for her? It certainly wasn't and action of love to abort her. No, it indeed wasn't. It was murder. The greatest of all sins I committed. The journey from the sin of abortion to forgiveness was a long and painful one for me. Living in denial was an easier way to cope for many years. Now that I recognized her as a real little girl, life was quite painful for some time.
For me, in all other areas of my life, it was refreshing to go to the Lord and lay my sins at the foot of the cross. I felt renewed and refreshed every time I confessed my sins. I could firmly stand and find comfort in the following verses.
New International Version (NIV)
18 ...... You do not stay angry forever
but delight to show mercy.
19 You will again have compassion on us;
you will tread our sins underfoot
and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.
I boldly believe and confess I have been forgiven my sin of abortion. The challenging part which makes this different from other sins in my past is coming to terms with the loss of my child. For some this may seem a suitable and even necessary emotion to experience in my healing. I happen to agree with them. For others, as previously mentioned, the mere thought of me grieving a loss that I chose to do away with is heinous and deplorable. For me, it's my reality.
Starting a relationship with my daughter in Heaven is one based on Faith. I have Faith my Heavenly Father hears my prayers, I have Faith she sits on His lap, as I clutch my pillow tightly dreaming of the day I will physically hold her in my arms for the first time. I have faith in God that she feels my presence and knows the depths of my love for her. Even as I write these words, I sense her with me urging me to go on. Urging me to tell her story; our story.
If just one life is saved from our story, her life will have meaning. If just one life is saved, her life will be purposeful and intentional. I see legions of children and angels in Heaven with my little Rose waving her victory flag as one by one young mother's choose life.
This little white flag is for you. This little white flag is a gift to you and your baby from my little Rose. She carries hers too. She waves it proudly with you. We've truly been given beauty for ashes. The ashes of your circumstance will bring beauty for the splendor of God.
I am praying for you. For each and every one that read these words and struggles with the uncertainty of being a mother, I pray. May the Lord comfort and guide you as you turn away from sin and choose life.
New International Version (NIV)
and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.