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I am tired of hiding it
My name is Kelsey. I regret my abortion. This is my story:
I was 20. The father of the child was 27. We were ex's.
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I had this pondering thought I might be pregnant. I had taken many tests before, all negative. But this month, it felt different. Sure enough, it was positive. I didn't know how to feel. I wasn't upset, but I wouldn't say I was excited. The problem was, I was no longer dating the guy. We were close. We saw each other daily. But he had broken up with me. I remember deciding how to tell him. That was hard. At first he was on board... that lasted less than 24 hours. Then my world came crashing down.
Essentially he gave me two choices: to be a single mom where he had absolutely nothing to do with it, or get an abortion and he'd support me fully. Truth is, I was head over heels in love with him. So I was stuck. We still hung out, we still talked. I went to get an ultrasound, I set up all the necessary appointments for keeping the baby, I was taking vitamins and eating healthy. I went to the store to see the prices of things and to prepare.
Then one day he said that he was done talking to me forever and told me to go have a nice life with the baby. He told me he didn't want me getting the abortion because he knew I didn't want it. I got scared. Before I could even respond I said "I haven't cancelled my abortion appointment yet." Truth is, I never had made one. In that moment of fear, I quickly called the clinic and tried making an appointment. I said I would never do the surgery only the pill (which is not what I did, I had the surgery) so it had to be soon. They were booked and referred me elsewhere. I set the appointment then told him it was not a for sure thing, but we could go and see what it was all about.
He had already gone to the first ultrasound with me, and that did not turn out well for us because he became very angry. Then, he decided not to go with me to the first abortion appointment either. It was a very long hour drive to the clinic. The father of the child and I had gone to Build a Bear a few nights prior to me heading down there and made a bear that was supposed to represent our unborn child. The bear in hand, I parked and started walking towards the clinic. The protestors outside put me in a daze. I was a wreck. I got in the clinic and they told me I had to give them my phone. I became angry, upset, nervous, and started to freak out and cry. I remember them taking me to the back and asking me what was really wrong. I told them I was upset that the man who got me pregnant wasn't here.
That appointment was long, but I did it. I scheduled the actual surgery for a week from then. I told him there was no choice, that he had to come along because I had to have someone drive me there. He said he would. Leading up to that week, he acted like he loved me. I stayed with him almost every night, and we were very close. I felt so safe around him. He even said I love you back to me. We talked about the baby often, but his mind was made up.
The morning of surgery, I was nervous and frantic. I was trying to pack and get everything ready. As we were driving up there I remember telling him I couldn't handle the protestors. He reminded me he'd be there for me the entire time. I still had the bear with me and held that as we made the long drive and the walk to the clinic. At one point I turned to him and asked him "Will you ever regret this?" He said, "No, will you?" I confidently said no. I had to see a counselor again and she asked me that same question. I said I was fine with my decision. She asked what I'd do with my second chance at life. That question hit me like a ton of bricks. I said I would focus on my horse and my life and enjoy being young. I had one last ultrasound and they asked if I wanted the picture. I said yes. Little did I know it now actually looked like something! This was hard, and I did not have enough time to process this before it was time.
Sitting around waiting for surgery was the longest, hardest thing ever. I remember thinking about what would happen if I just walked out. He and I talked about it earlier and he said he would leave me there, he would be so upset.
As we finally got into the room, I remember feeling a range of emotions, but mostly I was terrified for the needle to be placed in my hand. The last thing I remember was looking into the father of the child's eyes. After that, I woke up in a recovery room. I had been so worried about the needle that I had forgotten to say goodbye to my child. I talked to that child for weeks in my belly. He was a part of me. We even named him! I had problems after surgery as well and had to get additional shots, medicine, and was in a world of pain. I was screaming, crying, and throwing up. When I finally felt well enough to leave the clinic, I was still in a lot of pain. I felt like I couldn't move. I was at least able to spend the night at his house while I recovered the next few days. I couldn't do anything. I was bed ridden. He brought me food and did everything for me. He even had to help me walk to the bathroom because of the pain.
I held that bear tight and cried and cried and cried and cried. I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming because I missed my baby. I had never felt so alone. Without him inside me, I was alone. I looked at that ultrasound picture daily. I still do.
I would give up anything to have my baby back. I made a mistake. I picked the wrong choice. I thought I would be okay. I thought it was what I wanted. It wasn't. The guy and I still talk. I still love him. I don't know how I could love him after I was basically forced into this decision that I wasn't ready to make, but I do. We even have intercourse still which seems strange. It hurts though. I want to be with him. I would marry him. He is the only one who can make the pain go away. The nightmares, the constant regret; it feels better around him. I pray every night that I get my angel back. I even write letters to my unborn baby. I call them "letter's to heaven." If heaven weren't so far away, I'd be there with him now. I named my baby Jaxon Samuel. I have that bear. I have the ultrasound picture. I have the letters. I need these things. These are a way of healing. The only other healing I can possibly imagine is to have him come back to me. Allow me to get pregnant with this same man again. I thought about suicide, a lot. There were great impacts on my life. And while the guy will not admit it to me, I know it affects him too. He regrets it too.
I asked for forgiveness, and I know that everyone is forgiven if they ask for it. I find healing in talking about it. I am tired of hiding it. I have told a few people. My family knows, friends know. We are both in a small town so other people found out and it was gossip. Once I realized I felt better, not worse, when people found out; I began to talk. I need to talk, and others need to listen. Abortion is not the easy way out. Jaxon deserves a voice. I WILL speak up for him, and I will speak up for myself. And THAT is why I am silent no more!
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