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Being a Hero
I’ll never forget that tragic November day in 1991. I drove up from my college town on that Friday afternoon to spend the weekend with my sweetheart. However, this time was different. There was an important decision for us to make that weekend, although we had pretty much already made it. I remember her saying, “My parents will disown me if they find out I‘m pregnant.” That was a lie from the great deceiver. Her parents loved her, thought highly of me, and they were Catholic. Although it would have been a big embarrassment for the family, they would have had a grandchild. That would have more than made up for it. I could have proposed to her that evening, and I believe she would have said yes. Why didn’t I? I truly loved her, but I don’t even remember thinking about that as an option at the time. Instead, all I could think of was hiding from the fear about what our parents would think. I was in graduate school at the time taking a class in cell biology. Learning about morphogenesis of the embryo, I selfishly thought, “They’re just a bunch of cells at this point, six or seven weeks from conception.” Having believed in evolution at that point in my life, it was easy to believe that convenient lie from my spiritual adversary as well. The reality is that the developing baby already has a beating heart at this time and is sensitive to stimuli.
Even though I didn’t have a relationship with God at that point in my life, I did have some Christian beliefs growing up and believed God was real. In this crisis situation I said to Him, “I won’t go through with an abortion.” But I lied to Him! I let cowardice, selfishness and self-centeredness be my guides in making the evil choice. I look back and say, “If only…! If only…! If only…!” If only I could go back and make the right and honorable decision! My girlfriend and I made the tragic choice when I took her to the abortion clinic that Saturday around noon. While my girlfriend was having the abortion, I felt anxious and powerless. When I first saw her after the abortion procedure, there was at first relief that it was all over and she was okay, but then guilt and shame began to set in. The greatest consequences were yet to come. I take responsibility for the decision to choose the abortion. In God’s perfect and beautiful order, my responsibility as the man is to be the protector, leader, and provider for a family. I chose to abdicate those roles on that day. I still haven’t fully recovered, even though I am married today. In addition to taking a human life, there were other serious consequences of the abortion. First, my relationship with my girlfriend started going sour, and eventually we broke up. There was a wall and tension between us after the abortion that we could not overcome. Second, I became more anxious and depressed, and I made stupid decisions like marrying and then divorcing the wrong woman, which brought me a lot of grief. I have had relationship problems and have had some ungodly relationships. Third, I excessively consumed alcohol, and eventually I started smoking marijuana and taking antidepressants. That only made me more emotionally unstable. Eventually, I moved to the city and partied more, but in a self-centered, introverted way most of the time. In November 2004 I had a nervous breakdown, and Jesus Christ was there for me and began the process of restoring me and my life.
In 2007 I began to get involved in the pro-life ministry in Israel, desiring to save lives and preventing others from making the same tragic mistake I did. I do believe that this has helped in my healing. In March 2010 I named my daughter Savannah Bathsheba and planted trees in her honor in the Garden of Life near Latrun, Israel. On that same trip to the Holy Land I attended an international conference of the Israeli Christian organization Be’ad Chaim and met my future wife. I sought help because I knew I was not completely healed. My wife told me about the men’s abortion healing book Forgiven and Set Free. I completed the book on my own, but I have never been part of an abortion healing group with other men. God has been very good and merciful to me, but overcoming guilt, self-centeredness, and relationship faults is a long process, and I still have a long way to go. I see now that making the selfish, self-centered decision to choose abortion deadened my own conscience and led me to make other selfish, self-destructive decisions. Committing one grievous sin truly leads one to commit many other sins. However, I have hope that I will continue to receive more healing through a relationship with Jesus Christ.
I write this to you, young man, so you don’t make the same tragic mistake I made. I am silent no more because I want the best for you and your girlfriend and the precious little one inside of her. I don’t want you to throw away what is truly precious in life…. your girlfriend, your baby and your honor. I am silent no more because the only blessing I can see out of this modern-day tragedy of murdering the innocent, a mistake that more than one million people make each year in the United States alone, is to convince you not to do what I did. Please choose life! You’ll never regret it and just think what you will be… a hero!
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