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There is no Perfect Excuse
Hemda
 
     
I regret my abortion. I can finally say that out loud after fourteen years.

I thought I had the perfect excuse, a medical reason. I have had such pain and overwhelming hurt and loss, the loss of my child.  I was told that due to taking a blood thinner called Coumadin, the doctors thought it would be best if I had an abortion. That day my heart sank.  I knew from the deepest part of me that this was wrong. I had been taught that life begins at conception.  I allowed the doctors and others around me that did not care about my best interest to influence me. I kept silent and told no family members until it was all over. I had murdered my child. He was the one that did care.  My child would now be fourteen years old. Knowing that my child is with Jesus is the greatest peace I have. This is my only true comfort for the crime I committed.

Some of you out there might say, “You had a medical reason; you had the perfect excuse.” There is no excuse for shedding innocent blood. It still hurts. These were years of denial and years of not being able to mourn my baby. This past summer at a retreat, I learned that number one: I am forgiven; number two: God still loves me. And the greatest thing I learned is through all the years of pain, sorrow, and guilt, I now have an opportunity to change other people’s lives.  Through my misery can come a great ministry. I can help others and reach out. Jesus restored me and He wants me to help others not make the same horrible mistake. I want to help those that have understood that it is time to mourn the children they have lost. I can still hear the reasoning in my head for so long that consumed me. I told myself I had to do it and that it was the right thing. I reasoned that I might have been in danger and the child might have been deformed. Do you hear my words?  I am standing here today to say that God is in control.  He has the power to heal even inside the womb.

Since April 21, I have rededicated my life back to God. He never left me, I left Him. I thought I had committed the ultimate sin. I shed innocent blood. I killed my own child.

My son Joshua is living proof that doctors are not in control.  God is. Four years after my abortion, I became pregnant for the second time. Thank God the father who is now my husband loved me and wanted us both. As I went through my pregnancy, I had terrible thoughts of guilt about my first child. I questioned whether God was angry with me. Five months into the pregnancy, I was told Joshua had a hole in his heart. They wanted to do an amniocentesis to check if he was deformed or retarded. I was sickened by the thought that my sin could have caused my child to be sick. I knew I would never choose murder again, I would take this baby to full term no matter what.

I remember the day he was born like yesterday. One December 19, 1993, there were 20 to 30 people in the delivery room and a heart specialist was standing by to examine him as soon as he was born. They didn't even let me hold him. Immediately they took him to nearby examining tables and in what seemed like hours but was only minutes, they brought him to me. They said. “He is fine; he is normal!”  It was perfect music to my ears. It was like angels singing to me, telling me, “God is all powerful. He is in control, not doctors.”

My heart aches for all these children still being murdered daily. There is never a perfect excuse for shedding innocent blood. God preordained us all.  God knows for fourteen years I hid the pain deep down.  I felt I had no reason to mourn because I had caused my own pain. I lied to myself; I lied to my family. I didn't want anyone to know.  Even though some say I had the perfect excuse, I had shame, guilt, and pain of the deepest kind, knowing I was responsible for the killing of my own flesh and blood. My heart cries out to all of you out there, women, men, grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers, cousins, nieces, nephews, and friends that have been a participant in an abortion. It is time for repentance. Daily, women all over this country cry out, "We will be Silent No MORE!" We will say, “Not only does abortion kill and shed innocent blood, it hurts women, dads, family and friends. I killed my parents’ grandchild, my grandparents’ great grandchild, and my siblings’ nephew.  The hardest part of reality is that I killed my own 3 fearfully and wonderfully made children's brother. I will be silent no more we must repent and change.

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