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Nothing Could Fill the Void
I became a teenage mother my junior year of high school at the age of 16.  One year later, in the spring of my senior year, I found myself pregnant again, three months away from graduation.  I had an abortion because the baby’s father (same father as my first child) was very adamant about me having it, because he knew we could not afford it, it would look really bad, and our parents would be mad all over again.  I did not want to have the abortion but down deep, I felt the same way he did, yet I was willing to have another child as long as he said it would be okay.  

At the abortion clinic, they told me that they may have to do an ultrasound because they thought I was further along, but they did not.  During the abortion procedure, I was scared to death and second-guessing my decision, especially since they said I might be further along.  I wanted to leave before, but I felt I had already gone too far.  The sound of the vacuum was horrible, I will never forget.  It was painful and all I did was cry.  I felt the life being sucked out of me.  

Immediately after the abortion, I felt regret, shame, guilt, anger, and hatred towards the father and myself…I hated myself with a passion.  As time went on after the abortion, I felt and experienced numbness to feelings.  I did not care about anything.  Nothing could fill the void.  I wanted to die, and I did every day for years, in my own way; I was very self-destructive and felt unworthy of anything good in my life.  I became an alcoholic over the years and found myself turning to other destructive behaviors, but nothing could take away the memories of that day.  

I found forgiveness through Jesus the weekend I attended a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat.  After 21 years of pain, Rachel’s Vineyard brought me closure.  It helped me re-open an old wound and heal from the inside out.  I experienced a greater freedom by sharing this tragic loss of precious life with my whole family, husband, and kids.  I was able to receive God’s forgiveness and forgive myself, and I know I never want anyone to feel my kind of pain and regret.  I finally feel free from shame and that is why I am silent no more!


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