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I Wish I Had Gone Back
I was so in love with the father of my unborn child. We were young and have been through a lot together, but from the very beginning we always knew we wanted a family, a family together. After deciding to take our relationship to the next step, I sold my apartment and moved in with him.  He threw me out four days later. I had to go and stay with my mother for a couple of weeks. In spite of that, I still tried to work it out with him. Three weeks later, in the midst of the fighting and figuring out how to come back from the fight we had, I found out I was pregnant.

Initially, we were scared and said things we didn't mean. He told me that we shouldn't have it and that it was a mistake. We then spent the rest of the night making appointments and wondering what to do. I stayed one night with him and took the next day off work. It was the best night we had spent together in a long time. He went to work and I was sick and stayed home. He came home and was upset and acted out. This was normal, but I felt like I needed it to be different this time. I was pregnant and I wanted someone to be strong for me and for us, because I just wasn't capable. He was mean and I asked if I should leave. He said he didn't care if I stayed or went.  I did leave.

He called me that night telling me that he was afraid and that we needed more time. He said that it was too big a decision to be made so quickly; he wanted me to come back.  Now I wish I had. I wish I hadn't been too proud because I didn't go back. We never spoke again.

Two days later, on Saturday, I went to an appointment that I mistakenly thought I had to go to, and I terminated our child. I had been so open and forgiving for so long. The one time I decided to be too proud, I made my unborn child suffer. I made myself suffer.  I don't know how I couldn't see that no one was going to win, that this wasn't a game. It's been four days, and I don't know how I can go four weeks or months or years. That's why I am silent no more.


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