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The First Step
I was dating a guy for two years, unofficially. We were both working on growing our careers and didn't want a fully committed relationship to hinder our professional growth. I knew he was not nearly a good enough guy to want him to father my child.
I was at the beginning of my 2nd trimester, so I had to visit the clinic three times and every time I wondered more and more about whether or not this was the best decision, although I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to that didn't have a bias. The first visit is when they realized they couldn't perform it that day, so I had to return to have a stent put in and then come back the following day to have the operation. Inserting the stent was the most painful experience. They almost couldn't complete the process. I was in an incredible amount of physical pain that day and night.
The next day I was sitting in this room with other women, all of us full of guilt and humiliation, waiting for our operation. Before I knew it, I was in the recovery room, again in excruciating pain. The father took me home, and I haven't seen him since.
For seven years I've not allowed myself to think about it. I've blocked it out so that I wouldn't hate myself for my decision. I still haven't fully forgiven myself, although the more I speak about it, the more healing I find. I'm so grateful that I'm loved by Him and created to share this story, so that I can help others heal more quickly than me. Though I still struggle with forgiving myself, I know God has forgiven me and the first step in healing is choosing to be silent no more.
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