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Never Abandoned
My abortion was thirty years ago, and I struggle to remember many of the details.  What I do remember is that I chose to have an abortion because I was afraid of what my mother’s reaction would be.  I was only fifteen when my boyfriend dropped me off at the clinic and left me there alone. Fear of what would take place during the abortion overwhelmed me.  The staff did not explain the procedure.   They only told me that it everything would be alright while they just removed some tissue.   The only other thing I remember is the sound of the machine and the nurse holding my hand.  I don’t remember seeing the physician.

Following the abortion, my boyfriend picked me up at the clinic and dropped me off at home.   Hurting and still scared, I felt very abandoned and alone because I had no one to talk to about the experience.  Those I tried to talk to just laughed at me and pretended like it didn’t happen.    So, I decided to suppress it and go on with my studies at school.  I had a few relationships in the next few years, none of which worked out.  This contributed to my pain, with one loss after another.    Years went by living in denial and suppression. Depression and bi-polar conditions took control of my life in my early twenties. I became pregnant again, the father left me, and my mental instability caused me to lose custody of my daughter for several years.

I came to a point in all this when I decided I needed a change in my life.  I began attending church and applying what I was learning.  I met a godly man in church, and we married after a couple of years.  Life started to improve, and I was able to get custody of my daughter at age 10.    Then one day we heard a woman give her abortion testimony in church.  My husband encouraged me to talk with her and get the help I needed.  She connected me with the local pregnancy center, and I went through the Forgiven and Set Free Bible Study.  

While going through the study, I began to learn how to deal with the anger and feelings of abandonment.   I realized all the negative feelings had been building up inside of me because I had suppressed everything for so long, and it was finally coming to a head and needed a way out.   I would get angry and irritated with the slightest things towards my family. I think deep down inside, this was an attempt to hurt others just as I was hurting.    The Scripture that helped me to manage my anger was James 1:19 – “Be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.”    
My husband began to notice a difference in my reaction to situations and the great effort I made to recognize the anger when it started to surface. I still have times when I struggle, but overall I am doing much better than years ago.  I understand it takes time, and there is a process to experience complete healing.  This I know for certain:  Jesus has never abandoned me and He continues to help me get through the healing from the trauma of my abortion.  I hope to help others avoid the pain of abortion, and that is why I am silent no more.    


Priests for Life
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