Healing the Broken-Hearted

Texas,  United States

I excitedly called my new husband, we had been married for three months, to advise that we were expecting.  His response, "You know we can't keep it, right?"  He scheduled an appointment with a local abortion clinic for me and drove me to have the abortion.  I was devastated and felt I had no choice, as I already had one child.  I had become a teen mom at nineteen.   Although my new husband was not the father of my eldest child, I was terrified of becoming a statistic with two children at age 26 and no husband.  I wanted to make my new husband happy and redeem my past.  I did not want to be a burden or embarrassment to my family.

My husband drove me more than an hour to the nearest abortion clinic and paid cash.  When the "counselor" called my name, he left me to speak with her alone. My reason for seeking the abortion, asked the counselor?  We (my husband and I) cannot afford it.  The "counselor" assured me I was making the right decision for me.  Although I did get the impression that she thought I was just another unwed mother telling a lie.

After approximately ten minutes, I was asked to sign a document authorizing the doctor to perform the procedure.  Upon signing, I was immediately ushered into an examination room and asked to disrobe and put on a standard hospital gown.  I was terrified.   It was dark as there were no windows in the entire facility.

Approximately five minutes passed and a young lady entered the room and advised that she would be giving me some nitrous oxide gas.  I conjured up childhood dental procedures where the gas took away the pain.  I was terrified.

The physician, a male, entered shortly thereafter and performed a pelvic exam.  Then, the unexpected occurred.  He performed an ultrasound and I could both see my child and hear the heartbeat.  The physician only remarked that "I was further along than he anticipated based on the measurements".  I was mortified, so much so, that I began to hyperventilate.  The doctor motioned for someone outside the room, and told me to breathe deeply.  The young lady who initially administered the gas came back into the room and held my hand.  She said I would be ok.  The doctor then told me that I would experience a pinch and it would be over.  I watched the ultrasound monitor until I could no longer hear the thumping of my child's heartbeat.  I was numb.  I was cold.  What had I done?

Immediately afterward, my husband acted as if nothing had occurred.  From that day forward, I could not forget the ultrasound.  I could see my child's face, hear my child's heart beating.  I still do sometimes.

Five years later, my spouse and I had a son. I felt guilty the entire pregnancy.  I could not bear to see an ultrasound.  I could not bear to hear his heartbeat.

My marriage ended in divorce twelve years later.  I always had a bitterness toward my husband.  And we never spoke of the abortion again.  It is only after the divorce that I was able to realize I also never forgave myself.  With the divorce, I began counseling and realized that I must forgive both ex husband and myself.  The pain was devastating and I am convinced a contributing factor to the demise of our marriage.  It was not a good start.

My prayer is that my testimony is able to help someone make the right choice, and abortion is NOT the right choice.  It will not solve a problem, save a marriage, or prevent embarrassment.  It will steal, kill, and destroy a portion of the life of everyone involved.  I am so grateful that Jesus was anointed to heal the broken hearted.  He has healed me.

Priests for Life