My Inspiration

Texas,  United States

I had an abortion because I was forced.  I did not want to do it at all.

I'm living with my boyfriend and his father didn't give me the option of keeping it.  It was that or adoption and I feel that it would have hurt me just as much to give my child away as to have had the abortion.  The night before the abortion I stayed up all night crying and saying that I was a murderer.

I tried leaving but my boyfriend wouldn't let me.

During the abortion process I felt my anxiety kick in even worse.

I had to do the medical pill abortion due to me being allergic to anesthetics.

So as I was signing the papers I had my boyfriend’s dad basically breathing down my neck making sure that I didn't change my mind.  But the whole time I didn’t even want it.

So they took me in the back and all I felt was death all over the place.  I could even smell death.  I sat in the chair waiting for my pill to stop my baby's heart, a nurse came in and told me that my mom was downstairs and was throwing a fit.  Because she was supporting me all through it but my boyfriend’s dad threatened me saying since she smoked weed that he would file a lawsuit against me.  So I couldn't live with my mom and raise my child.

I felt so trapped and isolated sitting there as she brought my pill.  I felt so much guilt and I just kept praying to God that he would please forgive me for this.  I took it and left out the back so my mom couldn't see me.

Immediately after the abortion I felt rage and depression.

As I laid there in bed I dreaded taking the pill the next day.

But as the day came my boyfriend kept waking me up making me check the time so I didn't miss when I had to take the pill.  Eleven o'clock came and he watched me take my pill.  Sixteen minutes later I felt the worst pain ever - I ran into the bathroom and had uncontrollable diarrhea and vomiting at the same time.   About thirty minutes later I started bleeding so bad.  I saw my baby in the toilet.  I just started crying and screaming.  I was just devastated.  The next day I had to call my mom to rush me to the hospital -I was so pale and bleeding too much.  At the hospital they said if I didn't stop bleeding so bad that I would have to have a blood transfusion.   I luckily stopped bleeding as bad but the emotional toll it took upon me:  I cried everyday, I have the worst nightmares and I couldn't sleep for five days after the abortion.  I still have emotional things to deal with and I cry from time to time.  But I pray to God and my baby Kailee everyday and that makes me feel so much better.  I feel like I got both of their forgiveness but I have the regret and I'm recently trying to seek professional help.  Kailee is my inspiration - I started drawing again and everything I do I do it for her.
I just hope that this helps someone.  I went into such detail because I wanted you to know everything and I wish everyone that has almost a baby that there is hope.  I'm just still looking for it myself.

Priests for Life