Hard to Forgive Myself

California,  United States

I didn't have just one abortion, I've had three.  One before and one during my first marriage, and one during my current marriage.  The ones during my first marriage I made the choice because I couldn't see having children with what would have been the father.   He also had lied to me about not being able to have kids . . . I'm guessing so he could have children.  I don't remember a lot of what I felt during the abortion procedure except that I felt awkward.  The room was filled with other women and young girls waiting to have the same procedure done; they seemed to be emotionless people who saw this as a birth control method.

 Immediately after the abortion I felt empty and like my insides had been yanked out.  These two abortions I somehow put behind me.  The last abortion has been the hardest to forgive myself for.  My current husband and I had gotten pregnant before we got married.  We actually had only known each other for only a few months.  Our relationship became up in the air and I didn't know what to do.  My husband talked me into an abortion.  While in the waiting room I had this gut feeling and a voice telling me to leave.  I had not experienced this with either of the first two.  I listened to the other girls in the room talking and wanted to just rush out of there in tears but I ignored all those feelings and had the procedure done anyways.  During the procedure I felt terrible.  I guess it didn't physically hurt as bad, maybe I became numb to the feeling.

 I immediately started thinking about what a terrible choice I had made, not just for the being whose life I just took away but for the care of my own body.   As time went on after the abortion, I always felt terrible about what I had done.   It wasn't until the birth of our healthy boy a year and a half ago that the pain of that abortion came back.  I started questioning what type of person I was.  How could God love someone and give His son up for someone like me?  Only five family members knew of this action and I finally told my Christian friend and also went to confession.   I still don't feel completely healed from the choices I made but I know I have been forgiven.   Our second child is due in February 2013. 

Priests for Life