If you would have asked me 18 years ago if I regretted my abortion, my quick answer to you would have been NO! I justified my abortion for a long list of reasons, not knowing then, what I know now.
I was 18 years old, a senior in High School, an athlete and a good student. I allowed myself to become involved with a crowd of people who enjoyed partying and drinking and who were just as lost in life as I was. Unfortunately, I became pregnant by a man that I had no intentions of living my life with. I was faced with making a choice of LIFE or DEATH!
February 19th, 1994 will be a day I never forget…the day I had my abortion and selfishly took my child’s life. Because I was afraid of becoming a mother at that time in my life...and I also thought that I would disappoint my parents and family if they knew the truth of what I was doing, I chose to end my child's life.
February 19th, 1994, was the day that chained me to silence. This began my journey of a LONG and PAINFUL road of emotional roller-coasters, self-destruction, alcohol use to numb the emotional pain, shame, guilt, and anger just to mention a few of the “side-effects” of my abortion. The abortion clinic workers never warned me about the certain destruction of Post Abortive Stress from the trauma of my abortion.
I remember feeling emotionally numb on the day of my abortion, stuffing my fears and doubts as far away in my mind as I could, so I could just get through the “procedure”.
I remember the workers at the clinic telling me: “It’s just a mass of tissue, nothing to worry about” (LIE #1); “This will be a fairly quick procedure, you will feel a little bit of discomfort, but when it’s done, you won’t have to worry about “IT” anymore” (LIE #2); “It’s OK! You’re almost all back to normal now” (LIE #3). A decision made, based all on a woman’s right to choose and masked by a series of LIES! I left the abortion clinic that day, feeling a sense of relief that “it” was over with…not knowing the pain that lie ahead.
For 13 years I kept my abortion a secret, telling only the father of my baby. And for 13 years I suffered silently in my pain thinking that I could not be forgiven for having had an abortion. However, on this long journey, I have since discovered that my God is bigger than abortion and the shame and guilt that come with it.
Through healing studies, I have received God's forgiveness and reconciliation with Him. I have found healing by being able to share my story with my family, friends and church family and they have extended their love, forgiveness and support to me.
Now, almost 19 years later, I have since experienced on my healing journey, that there is forgiveness, hope and joy that can be restored again. The chains of silence were broken and it was finally time to forgive myself, to grieve and to love the child I never held…her name is Samantha Joy.
At last, I have my joy back that was taken from me February 19th, 1994! This is why I AM SILENT NO MORE!!!