Lies and Regrets

Oklahoma,  United States

I had an abortion because my boyfriend lied to me and said he would leave me if I had the baby.  He also became violent with me because I didn't want to have an abortion.  He pleaded with me saying it would ruin HIS future.  I never realized I was pregnant until I was already seventeen weeks along. 

The place I went to told me they couldn't do it there and that I had to go to another place for a two day process.  I lied to my boyfriend and said I was too far along. He refused to believe it and found a place that would still do it.  That was about a week of arguing.  It took another four weeks before I could get into the place they were so backed up.  When I got there the lady that put the things into your cervix to make you dilate was very rough and mean.   It hurt so bad and she told me to stop being a baby and sit still.  Never was I asked if I wanted this or if I had questions.  I felt forced by the clinic too.  I cried and cried all that night.  I got up the next day and they gave me some stuff to drink took me back there and said count backwards.  Next thing I remember is waking up in a room with about 15 other women who were asleep.  I kept telling them I wanted to leave right then and there.  They finally let me leave and I cried and cried.  My breast had started leaking milk and hurting a few days later from my let down milk.

My boyfriend asked if I got it done.  I said yes and two days later he left me for another girl.  I was alone missing my baby and no one to comfort me.   Later when I had my first son I realized how far along I really was and how developed my baby was and I cried and begged God to forgive me.  Still to this day I can't believe they would even allow me to do that, when I was so far along.  I was almost half way done. I have never truly forgiven myself and I will always have this hole in my heart.   I have talked to therapists and friends but the pain is still there.  I have realized the only way I will feel better is to save others from the same mistake. 

Priests for Life