Dealing with the memory

  Emma
Ohio,  United States
 
 

September 5th, the day a piece of my heart was taken away. I still remember the text I sent him the night before the procedure. “ I am scared, everything will be fine right?"  He didn’t reply because he was too busy I guess.

I am twenty-three and I met this guy in school.  It was mid-May when I met him.  We had just started our summer courses and he was sitting next to me the first day.  He was very determined to get to know me and very determined to be with me.  It turns out he was VERY determined to get in my pants. Anyway he seemed like a genuine nice guy, we are both in medical school, so in my mind it seemed like a right choice.  BOY WAS I WRONG!

This so called sweet, nice guy turned into a monster.  We were together for two months when I lost my virginity to him, I really liked him, he seemed different then the other boys around, and he would always say no matter what happens he will be by my side.  Summer was over and classes were done and we both had to go home for the break.  I felt weird when I was home, I had missed my period, and I was so sick and nauseous.  I knew something was wrong.  So I called him and told him I might be pregnant.  He assured me everything will be ok, and right now we can’t take care of the baby so it must go.  I went and got a pregnancy test, and it showed a very faint pink line, I still thought that it could be wrong.  So I waited, praying I would get my period, and praying my mother doesn’t notice that I am nauseous or sick all the time. 

On the morning of my birthday, I went and got a pregnancy test again and took it, and this time I was 100% for sure pregnant!  OH BOY!  What a great birthday to remember!  I called the clinic immediately and told them I was pregnant and they told me I needed to wait ten days because I was too early in the pregnancy and they had to ensure the baby was at least six weeks so they can ensure a complete abortion.  Those ten days were hell for me.

I am a very loving person, and I care so much for others, and I love kids.  So keeping the baby in my stomach for that long was so sickening to me, because I was growing attached to it.  I had nightmares and I was crying all the time!  I wanted to keep it so badly but I knew that would be impossible. My bf and I can’t take care of a child now, and coming from a conservative family, my family would be so upset with me; I know they would probably never talk to me again.  I had medical school to finish and it was too much for me and at that time I thought that abortion is the best solution, and all my problems would be solved.  He couldn’t wait till the procedure and every day we grew apart, he rarely called, and if I called him and he picked up, we would talk for a minute and then he would say he’s busy.  I knew he would be gone as soon as the procedure was done, and I knew he was nowhere near a reliable man; he was a little boy, and selfish jerk.

Sept. 5th came and I went to the clinic. Sitting there looking at the other girls faces was on its own painful.  The procedure was numbing for me, I was so scared that I didn’t feel any pain or anything, I just wanted this nightmare to be over!  AND BELIEVE ME IT WAS JUST THE BEGINNING OF THE WORST NIGHTMARE EVER!

After I got home, I called him to tell him the procedure was done and I am fine.  He was relieved.  Well, that was the end of it. Calling him, txting him, or emailing him was impossible.  Getting to this guy was impossible.  He was always busy.  And I was hanging there not knowing what’s going on. I finally txted him, since he won’t answer the calls. "I am assuming were done, but at least man up and break it off, don’t just run away!"

I got nothing for days until I got a txt saying "You are needy, I am busy, and simply won’t work out."
Yep, I am needy! I just had an abortion, I am all alone, no one to talk to, and no one knows but him. I didn't even bother him to pay for anything, or even come down be with me!  But apparently I am needy.
I was depressed for days, and crying was 24/7! My hormones were crazy and I was angry, sad, and I just couldn't take it anymore!

I messaged him this long txt, and I just wanted to get it all out, maybe then I’ll feel better.  Maybe he'll know how I am feeling, maybe he'll understand the pain I am going through.  I told him the pain, and the regret are killing me, and I just need to talk to someone, I need him to be my friend and stand by my side.  His txt back was "what do you want? I am too busy.”

So I decided I shouldn't bother any more, no matter what, this person has no idea what I am going through, and he probably thinks I am txting him because I can’t get over him.  What he doesn’t know is I am txting him because I can’t get over the fact that we both killed our baby, and I am scarred for life! A friend or even a stranger would have stood by my side.  I really didn’t want anything more but a phone call or even a txt asking if I was ok, or how I was doing. But he ran away, and left me to drown alone.  I didn’t get pregnant on my own, so why am I taking all this responsibility by myself!  What happened to men protecting women and standing by their side in times of need.  Or is that just talk, but when it comes to the real ****, they run away!

Now it’s been seven weeks since the abortion and there are days better than others, and some days are horrible.  I pray God forgives me and I pray I can forgive myself.  As for him I have no words for him.
I wish I had something to remember of this baby, other than the painful memory, I wish I had someone to grieve with and just cry all day to relieve the pain.  But there is no period of mourning for a woman suffering grief after an abortion.  There are no grief teams, no body for her to cuddle and dress, no footprints or photographs to keep in an album, no ceremony, no grave on which to lay flowers; in short, nothing to acknowledge that this baby ever existed.

I have always believed that the unborn was not the only victim.  Being a true believer in God, I have always felt that the baby just gets a free pass to heaven and it is those left here on earth who suffer the most... I know one day I will be united with this angel, and I know that this angel will always be looking down on me.

That’s my summer.  The summer that I will never forget, the one that will keep a memory and a scar in my heart forever.

   
   
Priests for Life
www.priestsforlife.org