Forgiving myself

England,  United Kingdom

Because my boyfriend told me I'd be a single mum living on a notoriously rough council estate.  Also when I told my mum she saw it as the natural solution.  Before the abortion a doctor gave me an internal , which did not feel right! I remember sitting outside the clinic before the op wanting to scream out, I don't want to do this.  I couldn't muster the courage to tell everyone I didn't want to do it.  I felt it was too late. If only there was someone at that point who could have advised me of all my options. As I was under anesthetic for my abortion, I didn't feel anything.

After the abortion I felt numb.  As time went on I experienced guilt, shame and self hatred. I found forgiveness when I joined a local church through asking God to forgive me, but also forgiving myself. Unfortunately it all came back to haunt me when I got married and was pregnant with our son Samson. What I didn't know was that during my abortion they damaged my cervix so badly it would be incapable of holding a baby. Samson was born at 23 weeks and six days.  He was on oxygen for three yrs, a tracheostomy which has just been removed, a hole in the heart and learning difficulties.  Samson is now five. 

Still not knowing why I'd given birth prematurely I went on to get pregnant again this time I gave birth to a little girl at 22 weeks.  Isabella died 20mins after birth. It was then that I was diagnosed with cervix incompetence. The guilt and grief this caused was overwhelming (more forgiving myself).  Samson is the apple of my eye.  My choice to have an abortion (the so called best option) has robbed me of peace and confidence, robbed my son of health and stability, and cost me my daughter.  Thank God for Jesus who has healed me.  I am interested in starting some sort of help group for girls contemplating abortion but don't know where to start.

Priests for Life