I wanted an out--I did not want to face the consequences. I didn't want to be pregnant nor have children yet. I wanted to go to college and be successful. I refused to explore and find the truth that was available to me, because I simply wanted what I wanted--this is the sad truth of it. I was never forcibly faced with the truth. I wish I had been, and wonder how things would have turned out differently had someone had the courage to be at the clinic that day telling me the truth.
During the abortion procedure, I experienced shock, pain and a level of regret and remorse that I cannot describe. Immediately after the abortion, I experienced emotional numbness. That numbness and denial continued for years, affecting every part of my being. I could not laugh out loud or cry for years. My heart became increasingly hardened, until finally my marriage fell apart over a decade later. It felt like my whole life was falling apart. In the midst of the anguish, God revealed His fatherly love to me. At the same time, the Holy Spirit began to painfully stir up the memories of the abortion, giving me absolutely no relief from the memories and guilt I had pressed down into the deepest recesses of my heart. The climax was the day I watched a program on abortion. A graphic image (a bucket full of aborted babies) was my "pig trough" where I came to myself...there at the foot of the Cross, God in Christ Jesus came for me. He rescued me! I call that moment an explosion of light--grace revealed. The Light of Christ shone on me and covered my darkness! My heart pleaded to know, "How could You love me?!! How is this possible?" I am forever grateful. He then began walking me through many of the steps of healing. Several years into that healing process and several opportunities to speak of it publicly, I was led to the Surrendering the Secret Bible study where I was given the opportunity to grieve the loss of my precious Serena Elisabeth. Now, I am so very blessed to come alongside other women as they experience the grace, forgiveness and comfort that I have received.