I was 21 years old when I found myself pregnant, out of wedlock, with no intention of being wed. I’d like to be able to say that I got smart at that moment and began to see the value in life, but I didn’t. A beam of light didn’t shine down upon my head and tell me everything was going to be ok. In fact, I remember hearing my stepfather’s words, “Get an abortion. You will ruin your life if you have that kid. You can’t even take care of yourself, how are you going to give a kid the life it deserves?”
When I thought about having an abortion, I couldn’t think of it as a procedure, it was never anything less to me than murdering my child. I had a living being inside of me that I would have to take the life out of in order to complete that procedure called abortion. I think that was the very first time I felt a sense of wrong so deep that the possibility of an abortion was almost unthinkable. To me, just about everything else in life was acceptable, but despite the pressure, killing my baby wasn’t acceptable. In fact, it was something I was willing to go to the ends of the earth to protect. Something deep inside of me knew that ‘getting rid of my problem’ was wrong on a completely different level than other wrongs.
My son made his debut into this world and has been by my side ever since. He is a miracle to me. Each and every day he amazes me with his intellect and innocence. I’d like to say that, on the day I had him, my poor choices ceased, but they didn’t. Seven years later, I found myself pregnant, once again. I was in a very bad place in life and in a seriously abusive relationship. The only choice for me was an abortion, or so I thought. I called my father, flew to Arizona, and made an appointment with an abortion clinic to ‘get rid of my problem’. Then came the nagging feeling that I was doing something deeply wrong. I missed that appointment, and made another appointment. I missed that appointment too. Again I made another appointment and told myself that I had to ignore that nagging feeling and just get it over with.
I fell asleep that night and had a crazy dream about a blonde haired, blue-eyed, overly happy little girl. She smiled at me so innocent and cheerful, until an upside down funnel came down on top of her little head and suctioned her brains out. I awakened in horror! As if to justify my actions, I thought about how my daughter would never have blue eyes or blonde hair anyway and told myself to stop being so sensitive. When it was time to leave for my third appointment, I still couldn’t bring myself to do it. My father clearly told me that he would disown me if I didn’t go through with the abortion. I remember feeling so sorry for him and like such a disappointment to him at the very same time.
I never went to that appointment. Instead, I got on a plane and flew home with a plan. A plan to leave everything I knew and take the road less traveled. I saved $20.00 cash back from each grocery store trip for almost a year, freeing me financially from an abuser. Because I was listed as one of the 100 worst cases of abuse during that year in my very large county, a police officer kept his post in front of my apartment each day.
My blonde haired blue-eyed daughter made her debut into this world. Not long after, I sold everything I could sell and moved across the country to provide a culture of success and education to my children. God laid a path for me that was nothing less than miraculous and boy have I been blessed!
I never saw or spoke to my father after that day, when I chose to protect the life of my daughter. I began to search for him to give him the good news of how wonderful my family turned out and soon learned that he had committed suicide. He was alone and no one had claimed his body for over a year, until I found him.
We all have different paths and differing circumstances, but healing from pain is something we all can relate too and are in need of. Sometimes, when we cannot find our strength, it’s important to have others surrounding us that can help us see our value, when we cannot, and leverage our unique strengths. I am left only to imagine the deep pain and anguish I would have felt over the years, without my children by my side and being the reason for them not being on this planet. It is my deep respect for the sanctity of life and my inability to turn a blind eye to those that are suffering and those that may, without the knowledge, have abortions that they too will regret.