I had two abortions in the early 1970's. At that time abortion was only legal in New York and California. I lived in Massachusetts... It was a long time ago but sometimes it seems like yesterday. Some things about them I will never forget. I was pregnant both times by the same man. He did not want to get married. If my parents even found out that I was sexually active let alone pregnant they would die . These were enough reasons for me to choose abortion. My boyfriend went with me for the first one, the second one he did not know about.
I remember the procedure itself and feeling very removed from my body when it was done. I remember nothing after the first one but after the second one I remember trying to console another women who was crying after the procedure. I stayed at a hotel in New York City that night and could not get warm. I called the front desk and asked them to check the heater, there was nothing wrong with it. I was freezing, chills passing through my body like a knife. It was a sensation that was to return many times over the years … The next day on the bus going home I felt a huge emptiness inside and cried out to God to never let me do this ever again. I got pregnant again by the same man...I kept wanting to put the babies back in my womb. This time I moved to Calif. and my son was adopted here in S. F.
For years I struggled to make something of my life. I married a man I met in group therapy. We were both mourning the loss of a child his by divorce, mine by adoption. I did not recognize my losses by abortion. I had another son and my stepson came to live with us. I was still not happy, I did not know what was wrong. I thought it was about the adoption but an astute pregnancy center counselor said it was more likely about the abortions. I did not want to go there. I worked and worked to be the perfect wife and mother and step mother. I overachieved constantly at my work. I was still miserable and my children and husband knew what people saw on the outside was not who I really was.
I took the training to be a pregnancy center volunteer and was told I would have to go through their post abortion Bible study before I could counsel. I thank God that they made that rule and I believe they made it when they saw me coming. I was the first one who volunteered after they made that rule and I thank God, I thank God I thank God. Finally through this Bible study I began to see how the abortions had affected me. I let myself feel the incredible grief I had for the babies who I had aborted. I saw how my relationships with my husband and my children were marred because I could not let myself get close to anyone. I could only punish myself because of what I had done. I began to heal the truth that Jesus had paid the price for me with his blood began to be real to me. I did the study a second time a few years later and accepted His complete forgiveness and restoration. I knew then as I do now that my babies are with Jesus in Heaven and I will see them there some day. I do not get that chilled sensation anymore...even when speaking up here .I thought for so long that I should never have been born but now I know His purpose for me is to lead other women in healing Bible study.
I have met and know so many women and men like myself who struggled for years and did not know why and that is the reason I will be SILENT NO MORE!