Esther, my daughter ……
I believe that you know me. So I know you know I’ve written countless hundreds of letters over my 44 years. But never to you. Dare I come to you now? Is it ever too late?
I feel you have forgiven me and are grateful that I’ve faced the act that took your life ………… because now ………….. we can be truly connected.
I acknowledge and bow in humility to the sacrifice that you submitted to. Did you know, prior to your implantation in my womb, that you would never see the Earth’s blue sky nor the brilliant yellow of a daisy’s center? Did you know that you would not be comforted by your mother’s arms …….. nor share in the joys and struggles of our mutual lives? What did you know ………… so long before I knew anything.
I have only actively missed you for 2 years …. because I lived in denial for over 23. But I have packed decades of longing for you into 2 years. Esther, it is embarrassing to me that I have not tenaciously clung to life and that the prospect of longevity has held so little appeal to me. But you MAY know that 20 years of mental illness created in me a fierce drive for suicide.
Did you pray prayers for my survival? If so, as you can see, they have worked.
I know now that if GOD creates a life, He has a purpose for that life. So I had no right to extinguish your life. It was a slap in GOD’s face that I ANGUISHED over how I would provide for you. If I had REALLY known GOD, I would have known He had answers for both of us.
But I didn’t know THAT GOD when I decided to end your life. All I knew was that I had term papers due, tests to study for, and a long range agenda for my life that did not include a child at 19 years old.
Dare I believe that you are really well and happy and that we shall laugh together one day and play among the stars?
Yes, I do dare. And I hold to the dream in the hope that it is truly a promise.
How does one apologize for so great a commitment of sin and selfishness? How could words begin to encompass the enormity of my pain in denying us each other?
I denied you an earth-life. I denied myself the BEAUTY, SORROW, NURTURANCE, SACRIFICE, and FACETS OF CHARACTER that develop through motherhood. But maybe now we can have a shared life of sensing and intuiting each other.
Come to me in dreams if it pleases you, Esther. I will receive you. And forever and ever ……. no matter the swift end of a shared Earth-life ……. I will always be your mother. You will always be my daughter.
I am grateful to GOD that He cares for you now.