Reaching Out

Alabama,  United States
I have had two abortions. The first one I was 16 weeks pregnant. My then Husband gave me the choice, him or the baby. I chose him. WRONG CHOICE! I watched my baby move in my stomach the night before the saline injection, I was told the baby would feel nothing. I was treated as if I had no heart. The Dr. pulled the baby out and I cried out, he asked me why was I crying? Then the baby was given to the nurse to place in a clear bag, and I saw the baby. She just stood there like the baby was nothing. I felt empty and unbelief at what I had just done. 

When my Husband came to get me I felt the most white hot hatred toward him. I never felt any more love for him and shortly after I divorced him. The second abortion I was newly married (I got pregnant on our Honeymoon.) Then 12 weeks into my pregnancy my Husband told me I needed to get an abortion. He told me it would cause us to stay in an apartment and never have anything. He also thought that because I had attended my former Husband's Mother's funeral that I might have cheated on him and the baby might not be his. He said he believed me that the baby was his, but still wanted the abortion. I was in disbelief.   I had told him how the first abortion hurt me, I was in disbelief that I would do it again! 

During the abortion I hated myself and I just felt numb. We have not discussed the abortion and my Husband does not have any remorse about the decision we made. We have a son 31 and he has some serious problems and I feel that God is punishing me for my abortions through him. Also, I feel my Daughter would not have had an abortion if I had not had one. I do not remember how she found out. I have felt over the years that I am a heartless murderer that instead of giving up my babies for adoption I just killed them. 

I have thought about what they were, what they would have been like. It has been 35 and 32 years now and it still hurts.  I haven't thought of naming them or giving them a memorial or honoring them except through the two programs I have tried to complete.  Yesterday I reached out to Silent No More.  I was crying and praying to God and he spoke the name Ruth to me, I believe that God was telling me I had a girl and He named her Ruth. The most beautiful thing that has happened to me that has anything to do with my abortions. I Thank God! Maybe this time there will be healing for me.   

Priests for Life