This Is not easy for me to do but here It goes...
I am a 22 year old lady. In 2009, I was just an 18 year old girl that had her whole life ahead of her. I had dreams and goals I wanted to achieve. I just got accepted at a great university and I started a new relationship with someone I truly loved. Life was looking pretty awesome.
My friends at university noticed I skipped my period In January and February. I was convinced It was just a case of the usual stress so I told them not to worry about It. The middle of March they dragged me to the clinic on campus for the test. I reluctantly went through with it convinced I could not be pregnant because it could never happen to me. I will never forget being in that bathroom stall feeling that faint and oblivious to the world around me when I saw the positive sign on the test. My world collapsed. I remember walking out looking pale and my friends immediately knew. I phoned my boyfriend to fetch me from campus immediately. When he heard about the news, he was shocked to say the least, he didn’t even know I went for a test.
i quickly realized that this baby could not be my boyfriends as we were only Intimate mid-February and had to be a "friend" of mine that didn’t even love me during our December fling. I felt horrible!!
i couldn’t tell this friend because we were not even on speaking terms and I couldn’t bear to break my boyfriend’s heart so I decided to let him go on thinking that he was the father of my child. I needed someone there for me and I was scared he would have left me if he knew the truth. I still feel guilty about that to this day.
The next day at campus I knew what had to be done. An abortion was my only option. My parents were going through a divorce and I just started my life...I just could not bring a baby into this world at that time. The psychologist at the campus organized everything for me; all I had to do was go make the appointment at the hospital. My boyfriend was supportive as he was only 18 himself, knowing we could not offer "our" baby much.
The night before the abortion I had to take 3 pills, one at 6pm In the evening, 11pm at night and 7am the next morning just before the abortion at 8am. The first pill was fine, but by the time it reached 11pm and time to take the second pill all hell broke loose. It was the worst most horrifying pain I have ever felt in my life. I locked myself in the bathroom, laying on the floor bleeding everywhere and blacking out every few minutes till morning came. Luckily my parents didn’t notice anything strange.
The next morning my boyfriend picked me up at home and I was more ready than ever to get this over and done with. I was 5th in line by 8:10am. Sitting and waiting outside hearing the moaning and screaming was one of the scariest moments of my life. When it was my turn all I could think about was the real father of this child and how I wish he was here with me. I got on the bed, bit my teeth and closed my eyes...two minutes later it was all over. No pain, no baby Inside of me... I felt amazing immediately afterwards. They put me on the pill at the hospital and that is when I first started with a contraceptive.
The father of the child and I eventually started speaking again and I told him what had happened. He was In total shock but he was there for me In a way my boyfriend couldn’t be even though he did try.
As time went on I was fine. My boyfriend and I parted ways. I passed my first year with flying colors and I was happily moving on with my life. It wasn’t until a year later, when It actually all hit me. For the first time I actually sat down and allowed myself to grieve my child. 2010/2011 was hard years because the abortion was all I could think about. I felt guilty. The end of last year (2012) was the first time the father of the child and I spoke face to face about the abortion. I was in tears, but getting that closure from him was a lot of weight off my shoulders. Knowing I wasn’t going through this alone. I was able to forgive myself and I know I did not do it for nothing.
I finished my honors last year and have my first official job this year. I know that my abortion, no matter how much I wish my baby was here now...was not In vain. I will have a family one day, but my first baby will never be forgotten.