I am 40 years old now. My husband and I have 3 children. When I was 19 years old, I had an abortion. I had the abortion because I felt like I had no other option. I felt very scared, especially of the shame of telling my parents that I was pregnant. I was not with the father of the baby, It had been a one night situation.
During the abortion procedure I experienced nothing much besides a little bit of physical pain and a lot of fear. I didn't really know anything about abortion at the time. Pretty ignorant of fetal development, etc. Immediately after the abortion I felt numb and sad. As time went on I felt and experienced a range of emotions but mostly I felt deeply sad. I had the experience of walking through a pro-life exhibit on the college campus that I was attending. At the end of It, there was a table with models of fetal development...I was crushed. What had I done?! It was then that I realized what I had done when I had my abortion approx. 6 months earlier.
I was feeling greatly guilty for killing my baby. I couldn't stop crying and thinking about how she would have had little fingers and toes, a beating heart, brain activity, could feel pain. I was devastated. One year after choosing to have an abortion, I couldn't bear what I had done. I had chosen to end the life of my baby. I was suicidal. I really struggled when the due date for my pregnancy came and went, as well as each anniversary date of it. I would cry a lot. I would think about how old my baby would be, what she'd look like; I still do that today, 25 years later. Not as often as back during the first several years, but just the same, I think about her and how now she would be graduated from college and what her life would be like.
I consider myself the mom of 4 children, my first is just not here on earth. I do believe that I will see her one day. I found help and forgiveness as I went through a post abortive Bible study led by a dear woman who had a daughter who had aborted her grandson. They had named him Joshua. God used her counseling and God's Word to bring me the forgiveness, cleansing and healing I so desperately needed.
It was during that Bible study, that I chose a name for my daughter, Haven Christa. I have been forgiven SO much. I do not deserve God's kindnesses in my life. I do not deserve the 3 precious children that I have. But, I am SO thankful for the Lord Jesus Christ who has redeemed my life. He has delivered me and set me free from my sin and the penalty of my sins. He has completely forgiven and healed me. Life is not by any means perfect or easy or pain free, but because He has saved me, I have joy, I have peace, I have a definite purpose in my life. God sovereignly used the awfulness and the grief and the guilt of my abortion to bring about me getting saved. He has changed and reoriented my life completely. All praise and thanks and glory Is to Him and Him alone.