My boyfriend and I were homeless living in basically a crack house, neither of us were doing drugs. I couldn't take it anymore; six months before I got kicked out of my house, where my family resides, and my 1 year old daughter, and my daughter’s father. I went on a rough patch for a few months, but then I thought I was going to be better, after all night of sleeping in the car we had before we scrapped it for money, I decided I was going to leave him and go him because I couldn't live like that anymore. Before I went home, I said let's take a test just so we know. When I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't believe it, my heart completely sunk. I was so scared, and I didn't know what to do. He was so happy.
We decided to stay together, we moved into his mom’s apartment, and still there was no food, cock roaches, nothing to really live off of just a great place to stay warm. I really need some guidance so I went to stay a week at the hope house, basically a house where people can get their life straightened out, and get on meds, but I lied and said I was pregnant so I could get some help mentally without the meds, and it wasn't till the next morning of staying there that I told a counselor I was pregnant. I made pros and cons list, and there was just no pro to stay with my boyfriend except that I loved him, and the other one was to go back to my baby’s father and there was so much to stay with him for. My boyfriend wasn't supportive at all when I was in there, so I broke up with him and he never called me back, or visited. I stayed there a week before I went home. Everyone there kept saying don't think about it just do it. And I listened. I stopped thinking.
When I went home, I still wasn't any kind of attracted to my baby’s father, but I still tried. I never could get myself to even kiss him. My mom never told me what to do, everyone else said to do it, my friends, and most of my family.
Thursday, March 14th, was the appointment. I still hadn't thought. I did the ultrasound, and I was starting to think. I was so nervous, I was shaking, and I just felt nauseated and sick to my stomach. I basically went numb in my body. And to this day, I still am. I was basically just there, but mentally I wasn't. The counselor did a good job in making me feel like it was ok. I remember she said exactly, God doesn't punish you for this, all those protestors say he does, but if you read the bible it tells you it’s ok before a certain time.
Next was the procedure, and they had me wait in a room by myself in a gown, barely hiding anything, in which I was looking around the old room and seen the instruments and it just made me feel worse but I was so numb and thought okay this is right, this right. But it wasn't right. The doctor came in and got me, had me walk down the main hall with barely anything covering me, and I walked into the procedure room, and they just were in such a hurry, and I lied down, and put my legs on the stirrups which exposed everything, she put the iv in, and the Dr. started talking asking about the dad and all I remember is falling asleep talking about my boyfriend.
When I woke up, I was already sitting in the recliner in the recovery room surrounded by 10 other girls maybe. And I just remember, it's not like they said. I didn't feel any sort of relief, I just felt numb, like what did I do. Why did I really do it? It didn't really hit me until the nurse walked me to the bathroom and I had blood all over my underwear, and they put a pad that was all positioned incorrectly. I didn't even want to look.
Coincidentally, after the procedure was the first time my boyfriend, now ex, contacted me. And I was in such horror, and I love him, and was so relieved but how do I explain that I'm not pregnant anymore, what do I say?
So I took the easy way out. I lied about it. I told him I had a miscarriage due to an ectopic pregnancy. And he cried, he really cried. He lost 3 other babies to miscarriages and I just felt like how do I take this back, how did I do such a horrible thing that I wasn't even sure of, was I being selfish? I don't have any idea. We are dating again, but I'm still at home, because I need to be with my daughter.
I don't know how to feel anymore, I need someone anyone to just listen. I don't know why I did this. I bought into what people think you should do, I bought into what people thought, and I didn't pay any attention to what I wanted, and now it haunts me every second of the day. I can't even just lay down or watch TV or keep concentrated, I just want my baby back. I have nightmares, nightmares of my baby playing with my daughter, and asking me why I killed her.