He Forgave Me So Much

  Karen
Texas,  United States
 
 
I had an abortion many, many years ago because I was forced to by my boyfriend. I wanted the baby and he did not. I had a late-term abortion. I was about five months pregnant. It was late May, I think. I am not 100 percent sure that I was within the legal time frame. I may have been over, but this clinic did not care. It was money to them.

My memories are in painful fragments. I was taken there by my girlfriend. She had gone to this clinic herself and had an abortion there. I remember being taken to a place to change clothes and then into a room lined with beds on each side. They were all filled with young women who had come in the same day. We were told beforehand that it would take several days but that it could be much quicker. It all depended on us. We were given injections in our stomachs by a doctor. We were encouraged not to stay in bed. They said walking would make us deliver faster. We walked in long circles up and down the halls. I did not know what to expect at all. I was not told anything about what they did. I did not realize until years later that the injection was to kill the baby, and then I had to go through actual delivery.

The physical pain was terrible. I watched as day by day the number of women in the room became smaller and smaller as they delivered. I was the last one. I remember going to the toilet and pushing as they had told me to do. I saw little red feet coming out. It scared me. They finally decided I needed a D&C, as they called it. I was taken to a room where I was put in a twilight type of sleep. I remember them around me like a dream. I was still scared so much. I was afraid I was dying.

The next thing I remember was leaving. My boyfriend came to pick me up. He asked a nurse what the baby was, a boy or girl? She said she could not tell him. He would not leave without knowing. She told him, a boy. Why he wanted to know this has always struck me as strange. The thought came to my mind that she did not know and just told him that to get him to leave.

I was so sick after the abortion. My body had delivered a baby and although I was very young it was a while before I was physically normal. Mentally, I never recovered. It was not discussed at all. It was like it never happened. For years and years I abused alcohol and drugs to forget the pain. No one knew. Outwardly I appeared beautiful and successful. Inside I was a mess. I never forgot my baby. I married my boyfriend and then divorced him.

As time passed, I realized I had murdered my child. I became a Christian, and I really feel in love with Jesus. He forgave me so much. He even forgave me for my abortion. I have talked to a few close, trusted friends over the years about this. This is the first time I have told my whole story.

   
   
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