To start, I had an abortion because I was 21 years old, I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 4 years, I had moved far from home, started a new job and was pregnant by a married man who was also my coworker. In short, I was a struggling Christian, scared and ashamed about my situation, I felt alone, and feeling VERY lost. A friend, or so I thought, because a friend wouldn't suggest such a thing out of their own fears, convinced me that I should get an abortion because there was nothing else I could do (I later learned that she was terrified of being a mother and had a very bias opinion to offer). She had gotten one and she knew just the place to go. So I did. My boyfriend at the time, (the married guy), knew I was pregnant and told me that he was already in the process of getting a divorce, which I didn't believe although he had been saying this for some time, offered no guidance in what we should do because he said that he had been hurt by his ex-wife that had aborted his baby and he thought it was best to stay out of the matter. So, despite me pleading to him and God for a help in making the right decision, fear drove me to make the wrong one.
I didn't feel anything during the procedure but as I sat in the waiting room, aside from the loud cry of a baby in the waiting room, I could hear God's voice tell me to get up and leave but I couldn't. It was like my feet were planted in the floor and I could not move. I had hoped that something or someone would be a sign to me that everything would be ok if I kept the baby but nothing and no one stepped in. Even as the nurse took my ultrasound, I tried to see the baby but she wouldn't let me. I felt if I could just see him, I would have the guts to leave that place screaming but instead, the next time I would see that baby would be in my dreams.
Immediately after the procedure, I was taken to a small dark room that was lined with plush black recliners where other women were sitting, waiting for the drugs to wear off. I looked at the young woman across from me as she vomited and couldn't believe that any of this was really happening. A lady sat me in my recliner and I fought to stay awake. It was when I went to the bathroom that I broke down and wept and cried and died inside because as I looked around at the broken down bathroom, everything seemed real and I could tell that that the 'empty' feeling I felt was the absence of the life of my baby, which was all too much for me. So, I cleaned myself up, and asked to leave the clinic. I lied and said that I was ok to drive home and I did. I had two accidents on the way home because I was still drugged but no one got hurt and miraculously, my car showed no sign of any accident.
As time went on after the abortion, my boyfriend and I prayed to God begging for His mercy and forgiveness and for Him to bless us to have another baby... a boy and because He is merciful and loving He did. Today, my boyfriend is now my husband, we have married for nearly a decade and God has blessed us with five beautiful and healthy children that we do not deserve. However, even with all of this, there have been few days, and even fewer weeks that I am not reminded of what happened, the events that led up to it, or what could've been. I am still mourning the selfish decision I made, still hurting, still crying, and still asking "Why?" I wanted to keep my baby. I had never been so happy before the abortion. I shopped and prepared for him and yet, fear got the best of both of us.
My husband has refused to talk about the whole thing with me. So, I relive it alone and sadly, I haven't found help in forgiving myself for what I did and for those that had a hand in helping me along the way. In the past, I thought I did, but it is obvious that I still have yet to do so. I am still suffering and even though I thought that the birth of each of my children would help take the pain away of the one I gave away, it didn't and I am still suffering. Thank you for helping me to share my story. God bless you.