How much I love her

  Toni
New Jersey,  United States
 
 
The time I got pregnant I knew I was pregnant right away.  I made some bad choices and when I was living on my own, I had a one night stand with a guy I worked with.   I later found out he was married.  I had to move back home with my parents.   When I had told them I was pregnant, I tried to wait to tell them but I had become so sick that I couldn’t hide it.  They told me in so many words either I have the abortion or get thrown out. 

I begged them and told them I didn't want to do it.  I told them let me give it up for adoption.  But they would not budge.  I didn’t know all the help they have out there now back then.

When we got to the clinic I just cried the whole time and when they took me to the back to do the ultrasound, I cried because I knew what was going to happen to my baby.  The lady looked at me and said you don’t want to do this do you.  I’m like no but I have no choice.  It felt like forever when they took me in the back to have it done. 

After having it done I would hear babies cry and there would be no baby.   That, I think, is one of the most hard parts; to hear a child but have nothing to go to, nothing to pick up to make the crying go away.  

I remember some time last year I asked my mom (2012) ‘ Why why did you make me do this?’  Her words were ‘Because I was selfish, I could not live with the fact my grandchild would be living with someone other than family’.   I hated my parents.  Because of them not letting me be the 22 year old adult that I was, to choose for myself, that my baby’s life was taken.  It was killed because of all that.

Church is what helped me get past to be able to forgive myself.  I still miss my baby and think every day what she (I believe it was a she because when I became pregnant with my son 2 years later I asked God to give me different than what I would have had the first time) would be like.   I know she is in the arms of God but it is so hard not to be able to hug my baby.  To tell her how much her mommy loves her.

   
   
Priests for Life
www.priestsforlife.org