I am not clear the exact year of my abortion because I buried it so deep for so many years, but I think it was around 1975. That means my husband and I had been married almost 3 years when I found out I was pregnant. I had been on birth control, but had such sick headaches, that I went off the pill, thinking we would use another means of birth control, but that didn't happen. I was pregnant almost immediately. My husband had been previously married with 3 children from that marriage, and I knew he really didn't want more children. I was very immature and thought that if we had a baby, he would leave me (since his first marriage ended after 3 children).
I was very selfish in my decision to abort, but when I told my husband my decision, he supported me (something he has always regretted). It's important to state that I did not have a relationship with Jesus at that time. In fact, I wasn't too sure God even existed at that point in my life. We didn't have the money for an abortion (I think it was $175 at that time), so my husband borrowed it from his dad, telling his dad I needed some medical tests.
I asked my doctor for the name of a place that performed abortions. I clearly remember his expression when I asked - one of disgust - but he didn't try to talk me out of it, just gave me a name and phone number. How I wished later he had said something to try and change my mind.
At the abortion clinic, I only remember someone letting me know I was 11 weeks pregnant (I assume from my revealing my last period). No one talked to me about the abortion - no ultrasound -nothing. I don't remember much about it, except sitting in a room full of other women, with various reasons for seeking an abortion. I remember being on the table and the doctor came in and told me I would hear a suctioning noise, which I did.
I was then taken to a waiting room with recliners. I sat there until they told me I could get dressed and leave. As I sat there, I felt very alone, scared and as if no one cared. I hadn't seen my husband since we first arrived. I kept thinking maybe he had just left me there. When I went to the waiting room where I had left him, he wasn't there. I panicked a little, then went out and found him in our car. He said he couldn't sit inside any longer.
We never talked about what went on inside that building. We went home, picked up food for a little picnic, and that was it. We 'stuffed' the whole experience for years. After about 7 years, I was at home alone, flipping channels on TV when I came across a PBS program - I think it was called "The Miracle of Birth" - and they were showing a baby in the womb at 10 weeks of age. I suddenly realized that my baby that I had aborted looked just like that at 11 weeks. I sat and sobbed for what seemed like hours. I pulled myself together when my husband came home because I didn't want to talk about it. I just continued to 'stuff' it.
A few years later, my husband and I started attending a Catholic church, as he had been raised Catholic. I eventually was confirmed in the church. I loved going to mass and started growing closer to God. One Easter, as I kneeled in church during a holy week service, I confessed my sin of abortion to Jesus and I wept as I truly felt Him put his arms around me and tell me He forgave me. But it would be years before I could truly accept that forgiveness, as I kept telling myself that He forgave me, but I couldn't forgive myself.
Over the years, even with medication for depression, my anger worsened. I was really angry at the Supreme Court Justices that ruled in favor of abortion, because I knew that if abortion had been illegal in 1975, I wouldn't have had one. I may have been selfish and Godless, but I wouldn't break the law. Through my volunteer work at the local pregnancy help center, I met Jannie, who conducted their abortion healing ministry. My husband and I decided to start attending her church after she introduced us to a Sanctity of Life message her associate pastor had given. Our Catholic church wasn't very supportive of us starting a SOL group, but this new church was most welcoming. We both felt it was what God wanted us to do to make up for our abortion. Our goal was to stop other women and men from making the same mistake. I had already started admitting to people that I had an abortion, but only 'safe' people - those in the same boat or those working in the pro-life arena who seemed to understand.
I felt I was "healed" but my angry feelings told a different story. That's when I finally attended the Surrendering the Secret healing ministry that my friend Jannie conducted. WOW! I never knew I could feel so forgiven and healed! It was amazing. I finally figured out that I had not 'allowed' Jesus to forgive me - I had somehow convinced myself that His forgiveness wasn't good enough. But through STS, I found out that His forgiveness is not only good enough - it is the only forgiveness that we need. He wanted me to be forgiven - He loved me despite my horrific sin.
I now am free to help others - to tell my story in hopes that I can save other babies and other women and men from the lies of abortion. Abortion doesn't help - it hurts. It takes the life of the baby, and turns the life of the mother and father, and siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. etc., upside down. My husband and I can now look forward to one day seeing our Katie Marie in heaven - and I know because of Jesus, she has forgiven us, too.