I was very scared and full of shame. I was influenced by my boyfriend's mother (whom unfortunately I greatly admired) and my boyfriend took me to the clinic, then home, both times. I have flashbacks of the second abortion. I was awake during it and it felt like something was being taken from my soul. My boyfriend was angry with me and abused me on the way home. I was bleeding heavily. I was so scared. It is a nightmare to think about.
Not acknowledging and seeking healing for this wound has impacted my life for over 30 years. I think it has affected just about all of my relationships in my life. I know it affected my dear mother, whom I lost last year.
I have felt my Savior's love and presence in my life for many years, yet I think this wound comes between us also. I have come to realize that I have not forgiven myself, that I hate myself for what I did, in fact. I have come to realize that I must do something about this, that it is a sort of poison in my life. My physical health may even be related to this issue.
I want to help other women who have been through this. (I probably need to help myself first.) I want to help get the word out that ABORTION HURTS WOMEN. I want to make this miserable experience count for something, that I might honor the two little ones that have been lost, and so I can have a little self-respect again.