In 1976, at the age of 17, I had a baby. I married the baby's father when our daughter was two years old in 1978. In 1980, we got a divorce. I found out I was pregnant, again, by the same father. He didn't want the baby. So, in 1981, at sixteen weeks pregnant, and at the age of 22, after just having gone through a divorce, I had an abortion. Little did I know how my life was to change.
When I was at the hospital and going through the abortion, I separated myself from the whole situation. After that my emotions went numb and I became very quiet. (I was a shy person anyway, so I didn't think any differently.) I started to have nightmares and became very depressed. I didn't realize, at the time, that the depression was associated with the abortion. I didn't realize what depression was, either.
In 1986, I re-married. We had two children, and I also had a miscarriage. In 1997, I went to confession, and after realizing what I had done, I had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital. I was diagnosed with depression.
It's been an up hill battle since. In 2003, I went to a Project Rachel Prayer Service and cried through the whole service. I felt a healing at the service. Later that year, I went on a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat. During this retreat I was able to start to forgive myself, for the first time It still was a journey for me to fully forgive myself. After I did I felt more at peace. Thank God for my faith. It has pulled me through a lot. I felt content with everything in my life.
In 2009, after 22 years of marriage, my husband decided he had enough of my illness. We got a divorce. I went into another deep depression and ended up in the hospital again. I started going to counseling and taking medication. It's taken another three and a half years to finally feel better about myself again. Thank God, again, for my faith.