Scars on her Heart

  Paige
Florida,  United States
 
  I had an abortion six years ago when I was 19 years old. My mother and my friends influenced my decision, and I went through with it despite my boyfriend's objections (he was Catholic). My mother told me she would pay for it and gave me numerous reasons why I should do it, and my close friends did as well.

I remember that at first I was debating whether I should have the abortion because part of me didn't feel right about it. My mom told a woman this at Planned Parenthood, and she told me that she had once had an abortion and that she now has kids. She said, "I don't regret my abortion at all. I don't even think about it."

With all of this pressure to have an abortion and no one encouraging me to keep my baby, I caved and had the procedure around 8 weeks. I did not feel informed during my visit to the clinic and felt very suspicious when the woman doing the sonogram didn't show me what was inside of me (if it really was just a blob of tissue why wasn't I allowed to see it?)  However, the procedure was very professional  and quick. I felt no immediate pain when I woke up from the sedation but was loopy and tired.

Within a short period of time I began to wonder if I had done the right thing, especially when the topic of pro-life vs. pro-choice came up. I sort of spiraled out of control emotionally, becoming very outspoken about abortion and how I supported it, justifying my decision. I began to hate Christians and those who stood vigil at abortion clinics, thinking they had no idea what it felt like to make a choice to terminate a pregnancy. I became an alcoholic and an addict to numb the deep pain and regret that I felt, but I would not admit it to myself or anyone else. I went through a dark time of doubting the existence of God, though I had heard the Gospel as a teen. I couldn't comprehend a God who could love but still allow such evil in the world, specifically my evil.

I found healing when I finally accepted a friend's invitation to a nondenominational church over 2 years later. All that I had ever heard about Jesus came alive in my heart and my mind when I heard a pastor share about his past which consisted of drug addiction and suicide attempts. I realized that if Christ could love this pastor, He could love me, and that was the best epiphany I've ever had! It was then that I finally accepted the love of Christ and since then I have been following after Him.

A few months after that experience, I was in a Jiffy Lube reading my Bible when a man sitting across from me asked me if I was reading the Bible. I told him yes, and we began talking about what I was reading. He told me he was a pastor and we spoke until my car was ready. I told him I was interested in using worship to reach the lost, and he gave me contact information for a woman who works at a women's help center in Jacksonville. When I contacted her, I confessed to her about my previous abortion, and she encouraged me to come to a healing workshop at the center.

I went to the workshop and received the forgiveness from Jesus that I was struggling to receive for my abortion. I thought I was over my abortion because I had ultimately been forgiven at the cross, but I realized that I needed to seek specific healing for the abortion because there was so much unresolved guilt.

Still to this day the abortion is an emotional scar on my heart, and I know that it will always be there because that was my child. But through Christ I can face the topic of abortion with courage and compassion, knowing that my sin has been erased by my Savior.

   
   
Priests for Life
www.priestsforlife.org