My life was no longer a lie

  Jennifer
Massachusetts,  United States
 
  I had an abortion when I was 27, and my life has never been the same. I knew it was wrong, even though I was not religious at the time.  I justified it, and my boyfriend (now husband) encouraged it. I was very sick with Lyme's disease at the time and could barely walk so I told myself that the baby would be sick with all the antibiotics. The day of the abortion I wanted someone to stop me. I felt like I was going to my execution. I couldn't stop crying and shaking and I couldn't look at my boyfriend. I went to a very "nice" looking doctor's office in San Francisco, but once I got into the procedure room I felt like they were treating me like a criminal. I told them the painkillers they had given me weren't working, but they proceeded anyway.  I shook uncontrollably and cried the whole time. When I got home I lay on the couch and cried the rest of the day.
I put it behind me, but I drank and took drugs quite a bit then. When I had my first child a couple of years later I was horribly depressed and started to see a therapist. After the birth of my second child I had horrible anxiety and had to be put on anxiety drugs because I felt like my life was becoming hell. I was a horrible mother in my mind, "unnatural," and thought my children would be better off without me. We moved to the east coast and my descent continued.   I worked all the time and my husband really took care of the children. I was a mess. By some miracle my husband suggested we go to a Catholic church one day and the priest preached the whole sermon on abortion. I felt like he was looking at me the whole time, and I wept. We decided to become Catholics and on my first confession I told that same priest about my abortion and he cried. This was the first time that someone recognized what I had done and my life was no longer a lie. I went to a Rachel's Vineyard retreat after the birth of my third child and the grace was poured out.  It was beautiful and heart wrenching.
I want everyone out there to know that abortion is not a solution. I will live with the pain of this for the rest of my life, but there is forgiveness and I am Silent No More!

   
   
Priests for Life
www.priestsforlife.org