Never the Same

  Jessica
Texas,  United States
 
  I woke up and realized what had happened. I was so hungry and knew in my heart that I had done something terrible by using cocaine recently. I did not know what to do. I was cranky, confused, and left my home feeling guilty and desperate, so I used again. This time I used as much as I could, knowing I was having an abortion the next day. I felt awful, I didn't want to do what I was doing and was trying any possible way to either have a miscarriage or not go through with the abortion. I was caught up in a pattern of self-infliction and drug abuse. I remember that before I fell back into using cocaine I was happy. I had a great boyfriend, I should not have been so scared. But my mom was upset and recommended an abortion. I was 17, which is old enough. I should not have listened to anyone giving me this advice. My step dad went to the bank and pulled $350, gave it to my mom, and drove me up the road to an abortion clinic. I remember their somber faces and stifling attitude, why did my mom not know better? We went in and filled out the paperwork, all like it was something normal. I don't remember my boyfriend pleading “no,” but I know he was hurt from this because we broke up, and he attempted to hang himself. At the clinic, I went into the room and changed, was given the drug that wipes you out, and lay down only to hear a loud vacuum sound.  I can remember hearing cracking and sounds of plugging the hole in a bin. It still is a haunting memory and resonates in my mind. I was drugged and remember commenting how strong it was and made a stupid remark about it.  The whole scene disgusts me. I slept and woke up never the same. I fell harder into that lifestyle, trying to drown out the pain and memories.  I feel that my life began again once I had my son in 2001 and gave my life to the Lord in 2002. I had another son in 2005 and love them tremendously. My boys complete me and now, looking back, I regret so much having done this. I have cried so many times, asking God to heal and forgive me, for me to forgive myself, and for my baby to know how much he/she is loved. I want her/him to know that he/she is worth more than this life could ever offer and I long to be with and know him/her and live eternity healed and whole. My pain continues to unfold.  It is a deep process, my tears will continue, and my life is missing someone I love dearly. This is why I am silent more! 
   
   
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