The Pain of Abortion

California,  United States
  The Pain of Abortion - Written on April 5, 2011
The pain a soul feels after having an abortion is endless. No amount of suffering a woman can feel by HAVING a child under any circumstance can ever compare to the pain she has after taking the life of her own child. Every relationship with every person she comes in contact with after making the decision to have one is compromised. The emotional and psychological problems are enormous and burdensome and to add it to the cross she already carries is a tremendous amount of weight, most times than not, just too heavy to carry alone. Everything in the woman’s life in this world after having an abortion reminds her of the day she took her own child’s life. The pain NEVER goes away. How do I know? I fell for the empty rhetoric at one time in my life, that the baby growing inside of me was not human.

In March of 1993, while having an two-year affair with a married man fifteen years older than myself, I found out I was pregnant. I was already a single mom with a six year old daughter from a marriage that should have never taken place, struggling to make ends meet. No one knew I was having this affair, and I was all alone. I thought I “loved” this man—but it was anything but love, as I can see so clearly now. I sat him down and told him I was pregnant. His response was he wasn’t about to leave his wife. They had been married for over twenty years, and he couldn’t do that to her. Rather than go with my motherly INSTINCT to protect this beautiful life of the child growing inside of me, I told him that I would see my doctor and discuss abortion.

The day I met with my doctor, the same doctor that had delivered me, he confirmed I was pregnant and only about four to five weeks along. I told him the situation and that I was considering abortion. He said ok and left me sitting on the examination table as he walked out of the room. As I sat there on the examination table, I heard that voice in my heart. DON’T DO THIS! This is not you! And I changed my mind. I couldn’t go through with this horrific thing I was thinking about doing. It was done! I was going to have this child and all the pain and suffering I would have to endure bringing another child into this world even without the funds to do so. It was time to face the music of the life I was leading.

The nurse came into the examination room and told me to roll up my sleeve. I did and she jabbed me with a needle. I asked her what she had just given me and she said it was “Vitamins”. I then told her after I changed my mind, and I was going to be going through with the pregnancy. Her very stern and angry face melted into one of horror. I quickly learned, it was not vitamins she gave me, but a shot to kill the baby and cause a miscarriage. I NEVER knew having an abortion was just one shot away. I always thought it was a serious medical procedure that would take time to think about because it would have to be planned out ahead of time. It wasn’t. It was all contained in that shot the nurse had already given me, after I had changed my mind. My stupidity led to the murder of my child, at my hands. My lack of understanding the SERIOUSNESS of the situation all came to light.
She left the room and my doctor came back in. He held my hands and said it was too late, that it was in God’s hands now. I ended up losing the baby two days later. Alone, at home, without anyone knowing the pain I was going through. Nor the pain this little innocent life felt. It was official. I committed murder.

Not a day has passed that I don’t think about my “little soul” in heaven. I am constantly reminded about this little one every time I see children, pregnant women, birthday parties, and even still now, in my own children. During the time of this event in my life, I tried to block it out as much as I could. In doing so, the relationship I had with my daughter faltered because I could not bear to look at her and NOT see the child who I took out of this world. The psychological and emotional effects took their toll. How could anyone want me now, knowing what I had done? How could I explain to my daughter that she could have had a baby brother or sister, but I murdered the baby?  The effect of abortion on the soul of the woman who has had one is a pain she will carry with her through her entire life. The baby just doesn’t “go away” and the woman is NOT left to continue on in her life. The baby goes away and the woman carries that event forever. Nothing can change the facts.

As many years that have passed, I always think about how old my child would be now. What they would have looked like. Who’s life they would have influenced. My child would be entering college this year. Just this past Christmas, my five year old daughter gave me a present that shook my soul. It was an innocent gift she had made in school for me. Her teacher had drawn her arms and hands and glued them onto a heart. The little hands were my five year-olds hands, imprinted in red tempera paint. When I opened the gift, I burst into tears and hugged her so tight. I couldn’t stop crying. Seeing the little red hands reminded me of the little one I have in heaven and what I had done. You see, the pain never does go away.

In my conversion of heart, coming back to the Catholic Church, confessing this grave sin eased the burden I carry. It is a forgivable act and through repentance and working WITH the grace our Lord STILL pours on the soul, it becomes lighter to carry when you know Our Lord STILL loves us. I didn’t have the counseling made available now to help women who have had abortions. At the time, the evil one had me believing I was damned to hell because of this act. I only know now, that is NOT true! Rachel’s Vineyard is one such organization that WILL HELP you! You do not have to suffer alone.

Never let anyone tell you that baby inside of you is just a blob of tissue. What they don’t tell you is how the loss of that “blob” at your own hands, causes a woman so much pain and so much emotional damage, not to mention the damage done to the body. If my child was just as they say, I wouldn’t have this weight on my soul. Obviously it’s more than just a blob. The consequences of taking that “blob” last a lifetime. Get INFORMED! And then inform everyone. Abortion is just a sanitized name for murder.

No matter when the pregnancy ends, conception is the beginning of motherhood.

On January 23, 2012 I wrote this:

A few weeks ago, I suffered another bout of PAS (Post Abortion Syndrome). In these bouts of struggles with the sin of abortion I committed many years ago, the soul is plunged into a state of hell that only one who has seen it can describe. I know in my heart I am forgiven but the residual effects of my sin remain. In this latest bout in dealing with the loss of my child at my hands, I was overcome with visions of the death of developing children at every stage of life. Even when I closed my eyes, all I could see was them. Their shapes were in the food I prepared, in the tile in the walls and even in the design in the carpet on my floor. There was no escape from my sin. I went for a walk to a park and sat on a table, looking up at the sky, praying to God.  Even the clouds seemed to be in the shape of developing children, that became further and further away, dissipating out of sight.  My thoughts took me to heaven as they became the souls of the unborn turning into mist joining together into the soul of Our Lord. I was stricken with grief so deeply, the pain was unbearable. Just as I have been through this before, through my faith in God and the forgiveness of our Lord, I knew in time, this too shall pass. And it did a few days later. I can only ponder every time I go through this as it being the final state, final damnation for souls who do not repent from the grave sin of abortion.

While going through this, your soul seems to be slipping away into utter destruction and you know you’re in the battle for your life. You become remorseful, sorrowful to an extent that cannot be surpassed not only for this sin, but for all your sins. The entire world becomes inside out. There is nowhere to run. No place to go to escape the pain. You deal with it in prayer and ask for the help of every soul in heaven and, like a bolt of lightning, it’s gone and you can breathe again, knowing the battle is over this day.

This bout with PAS came on very suddenly. It came out of nowhere. I know in my heart our Lord has forgiven me and, at times, I don’t understand why this happens. I had confessed this sin many years ago and have been going through a conversion of heart, dedicating my life to our Lord in every way I know how. I can only take it as something from our Lord to share with other souls contemplating having an abortion.

Placing all my trust in God is what pulls me out of this state of being. Knowing He is loving and kind, knowing that He is just, I am able to work through the pain and through Christ, pull my life back together and work for His good.

Please, I beg all of my readers, be PRO LIFE. Don’t just say you are but act on it. Put an end to the lies of abortion. Two souls are at risk in each abortion. One immediately being the child, and the other being the mother at a time she does not expect.

Priests for Life